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Old 03-03-2012, 04:59 PM
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StarTeddy StarTeddy is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
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Default Feeling numb...

Some backstory is required first:
I'm 20, and I've been in a committed relationship with my current boyfriend for 2.5 years. He lives with his best friend since high school in an apartment close the the university all three of us attend. I live with my parents, but for the past 2 years I've practically lived at the apartment too, going home only to sleep. Things are a bit dysfunctional at home, and I don't like being there for extended periods of time. About a year ago, I had started to like his best friend. I figured I could just shrug it off, and focus on my relationship, but there came a point where I felt I couldn't. I proposed to them the idea of me dating both of them at once, but neither of them were okay with it (although his friend had feelings for me too). I broke up with my bf then, but we got back together a week later. He told me that he was okay with my feelings, as long as I kept the relationship with his best friend (at this point, our best friend) on a strictly-friendly basis. By this he meant no kissing, no holding hands, no cuddling, etc. This arrangement went on just fine until recently.

What's been happening:
This part is difficult for me, since I've been feeling so numbed to the situation...I'd rather not think about it at all. What happened is that around a month ago I was going through a rough patch with my boyfriend. There are many things in our lives in which we are different, and I was feeling sad and neglected. I was having a lot more fun spending time with our best friend than with my own boyfriend. At one point I felt that I couldn't honestly say I loved him anymore. I went to the internet for advice, and ended up in the polyamory sites, because those don't make me feel like I'm some sort of monster because of my feelings. There was a thread which was especially helpful, about a woman struggling to keep her long-term relationship alive in the face of NRE. It resonated deeply with me, and I realized that I can't expect a years-long relationship to be all rainbows and happiness without effort on my part, and just because I was having fun somewhere else, doesn't mean that my current relationship wasn't worth working on. It's just not fair if I had decided to leave my bf for this new person because of NRE, I had to work to make everyone happy.

I talked to my bf about what was happening, and he seemed to be fine with it, and was happy that I was willing to work on the relationship. I was ecstatic because I was afraid that me talking about anything poly again would create a mess. I felt like he was less jealous than before, so I felt more at liberty with my feelings. I kept going to the poly sites and forums, and thinking about how wonderful it would be if my life was like that. I always felt down when I came back to reality, so I talked about my feelings to our best friend. I cried, because I knew that I would always love people but would never be able to be with them, and because I knew people would hate me if they knew how I really am. He was very understanding, and made me feel better about myself. He said that last time, he didn't understand what I wanted, but when I explained myself further he thought it wasn't as bad as he thought. (My ideal situation would be poly-fi with two partners.)

I was feeling pretty good about myself at this moment, since both of them seemed to be more receptive to the idea than they were last time I brought the topic up, which ended in disaster.For a few days, I thought maybe I COULD have it all. I was on cloud nine, and happier than I had been in years. I decided that I had to tell my boyfriend how I felt. However, I wasn't prepared for what would happen...

My boyfriend informed me that no, he was not in any way less jealous that he was before, and he was only okay with the information because I had agreed to keep things friendly. He doesn't blame me or expect me to control what I feel, but that the thought of sharing someone physically with someone else felt immensely wrong to him and that he would NEVER be able to accept a polyamorous relationship. He told me that if I couldn't accept these terms, that we should break up, because he doesn't want me to be miserable 20 years down the line and divorce him because I realized that I had wasted my whole life being tied down to him. He feels hurt because he "wasn't good enough", and because I may not feel that being together with him is "worth it".

I don't know what to do because as a person, I crave stability...and my boyfriend is the very embodiment of stability. Personally, I just want to be married, have two kids, live in a house in the suburbs and live happily ever after....but the problem is that I also fall in love with other people. I hold traditional marriage in very high esteem...in fact, I feel that it's unfair that I wouldn't be able to marry any possible other partners, because they don't deserve to be deprived of a wife. If I were to break up with my current boyfriend, all this promise of a stable future would disappear into thin air.

I don't want to start over again. I don't want to find someone new. I don't want to go into this dizzying world and have 90% of the people I'm interested in reject me because of the way I love. I'm very scared of being alone....I haven't been single for any significant amount of time since I've been 15, and the idea that I may be alone for a long time is terrifying.... I'm a very needy person. Honestly, I sometimes think that keeping me happy is simply NOT a one-person job. Even though he's had to modify his schedule A LOT to cater to my needs, he rejects this, because "he's been doing it".

Now, I have to make a decision...to stay with my bf and be monogamous for the rest of my life, or to break up with him and face an uncertain future...whichever decision I make, I lose. I was crying nonstop at first, but now I just feel numb to it all. I don't feel happy anymore, but I only experience vague sadness instead. I don't even feel like I have the capacity to love at this moment, I just want comfort....I don't want to think about this, I don't want to make any sort of decision, even though one is desperately needed from me. I'm so tired all the time, I just want to sleep. I just want to ignore that all of this is happening.

Last edited by StarTeddy; 03-03-2012 at 05:29 PM.
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