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Old 03-03-2012, 04:16 PM
Jade Jade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: in a house
Posts: 189

1-11... I discussed these with my husband last night. I was, honestly, as a former secondary, offended by some of the stuff I read. While I agree that many of us who develop poly feelings do not move in the realm of "equality of partners," I think these "rules" go overboard.

It seems, to me at least, it should go without say that you shouldn't get involved with a secondary when your head isn't on straight about your own existing relationship. It also seems a pretty basic rule of thumb that you shouldn't involve yourself with others who can't be trusted to respect your personal and existing relationship boundaries.

All love relationships are sacred. They may get less time and focus, but it's not because they're not sacred. It's because as a practical matter, if you have a household or family to run with your primary, that's where the majority of your energy needs to be to make a household or family run smoothly. You can't check out of your primary situation in a harmful way.

I guess this is one of the ways in which I felt you really went overboard. To suggest that a secondary relationship doesn't deserve the same type of honest communication that a primary one does is, to me, absurd. If you are in a relationship with someone you can't speak with honestly and openly, then I suggest you're either in a poor place with your primary or you're involved with someone you don't trust. Either way, the problem is yours to fix. It has nothing to do with a secondary being less deserving of communication.

As for the rules about time spent and timing... one size doesn't fit all. There's really no other way to put it. If you think you're spending too much time with a secondary, then respect your own boundaries. If there's a conflict, then you really need to talk about it. Maybe you're just incompatible. Maybe there's a happy compromise. Shutting down open communication, however, is deceitful and unwarranted with someone who truly loves and cares about you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, either you trust someone or you don't. Secondaries are not tools, toys, or pets. They're people. They are people who can be harmed by poor relationship practices. So, to me, the bottom line would be, handle your relationships responsibly, whether you want a quad, a triad, a community, or whatever.
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