Originally Posted by theque
I am trying to learn how to restore that balance, but "closed" is offensive to my mind, and "open" hurts my heart.
I was re-reading your first post (I think it was the first) here, Theque, when I stumbled upon this quoted passage, and it somehow stood out as crucial.
I like alchemy as a metaphor--the transformation of lead into gold. Lead here is all of that anger, fear, resentment, etc. Gold is all the good stuff: love, joy, happiness, quality relating from a clear and open heart.
Making gold out of lead, here, probably will involve getting your head and your heart engaged in a sustained and mutally respectful dialogue. Like any respectful dialogue between persons who have dramatically different perspectives on a matter, your head and your heart need to listen very attentively and sensitively to one another, so that each knows that while there may be disagreement ... at least both parties are doing their very best to speak their mind and listen respectfully to one another. Both head and heart need to know that they can happily share a very small apartment or cottage -- and get along surprizingly well.
Let your head pour your heart a cup of tea, and let your heart genuinely thank your head for such a simple but delightful generosity.
Let your heart offer a cut flower to your head, from the garden.
Sit down as head and heart warmly welcome one another and form a genuine friendship. They are getting to like one another, and know and respect one another.
I don't believe all of the extreme emotion (fear verging into terror, anger verging into white hot hatred...) is entirely about what triggered it off, this time. Underlying this and giving it heat are other factors with older origins, even older than any previous adult relationships. At least I'd place my bets on that horse. I can't be sure, but the emotion just has the look of trauma-trigger about it.
Become in yourself a welcoming container, and seek to allow love and freedom and joy to grow large enough in you to welcome all of the pain in that atmosphere. Don't close up and surround the pain with only more pain, give it love. Hold it tenderly, however hot or hurt it may be. Practice like this a while. The more I practice like this, the greater becomes my love, joy and freedom welcoming container, which is the alchemical container where I am making gold out of lead.