A very dear friend, who has become very important to me in the space of just two weeks,
has read this thread, and has, metaphorically speaking, given me a fat smack on the head !!!
But, not for what I believe/dont believe, but for trying to live like this and do nothing about the issue at hand ! They correctly, with love in their voice, told me that I am avoiding confrontation, and they are correct.
Had a chat with the wife, and her and I have agreed to therapy (in spite of my bad experience last time) - I go alone first, and perhaps she'll join me later.
I feel so much better now that I have a plan, rather than doing nothing except be frustrated by the whole thing.