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Old 03-01-2012, 03:39 AM
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trescool trescool is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ontario, Canada
Posts: 59

Thanks for the response! I know this is getting awfully long, lol, so I'm pleasantly surprised when someone reads it all.

My hubbo and i were rock solid, and our poly-fi triad was ripping us apart - same thing happened, xgf and i started having distance despite our budding love, and it went sideways from there. [...] if we'd kept moving forward, it would have destroyed our marriage.
I read this to my boyfriend and he said something I thought was pretty important to mention, actually. That is, the three of us being in a triad relationship didn't cause his divorce. He said he thinks it accelerated it, but certainly didn't cause it. Looking back, I honestly can see that their divorce was not inevitable... but, sadly, what the divorce represents to me is the most healthy resolution to an unhappy and unstable situation.

Ultimately, I believe that responsible adults seek divorce not because it's the easier solution than working through the problems, but because it's the healthier solution for them that they feel will ultimately offer them more peace of mind and spirit than their marriage. (Irresponsible adults probably seek divorce for other reasons!) Sadly, this ending has certainly enabled my boyfriend to begin healing from years of incredible stress and emotional turmoil.

poly-fi triads quadruple those mines,
I haven't mentioned this before but actually, R was also dating a man. Their relationship was very emotionally meaningful to her, but the man she was involved with wasn't/isn't ready to commit to her because he is also poly and in a committed relationship with a woman. It has been difficult for R to be the "secondary" in that relationship in terms of commitment levels, when actually he loves R very much, and seems emotionally and physically very attached to her. Hard to know if that's just NRE, but nonetheless, he does seem to genuinely care for her. I think if that couple was more in a place to open up to her, the two of them would likely become much more serious. At least the man and R seem to be better matched than R and T.

sounds like agreements and boundaries were needed between all of you that weren't there - too much, too soon on every front, for everyone
Definitely. It's funny, because we tried to have certain boundaries in place, ie we started doing alternating date nights where T and R would have that much needed alone time together. However, almost inevitably, their dates would fall apart. They would start to argue. For the first couple of months, I tried to help them sort through their issues, playing a referee to their arguments. We would stay up to 3-4 in the morning trying to work through emotions. Well, that was clearly a poor boundary on my part. So then, I said "f this, I'm staying out of it" and I'd go back to my place. That's when T would eventually leave the house and come to my place, obviously making the situation worse. He told me there was two options; either sleep over at my place, or sleep on someone else's couch, because he wasn't sleeping at his own home! (Hence I should've told him to find a couch and leave me out of it!) Anyway. Could that situation have been any crazier? I'm telling you, BP, poly triads may degrade, but nothing degrades faster or worse than an already f'd up relationship!

I'm sure you'e probably thinking to yourself "omg how wrong of T to leave the house..." but that would be underestimating the amount of emotional wreckage that R and T were dealing with. I know R was hurting in those times, but the problem was, R and T's marriage didn't have a time when R wasn't hurting. R's incredibly unstable emotions were always the clock to which their relationship ran... T comforting R and stabilising her, comforting her, helping her... for many, many years, T lacked the appropriate boundaries to know when to say, "I'm sorry honey, but I can't help you with this. I've done the best I can." So when he finally began to find those boundaries, there was so much stuff already built up from their past that R interpreted this as him withdrawing his support, which, of course, only led her to further freak out.

So yeah, having healthy boundaries definitely applies to both monogamous and polyamorous relationships! And I think having those boundaries and the ability to both comfort one another and to have methods of self-calming in a way that mutually builds each other up instead of draining one partner is a pre-requisite to anything polyamorous!
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