Finding out what being Poly is really like
Hello all! I've been a lurker here for a few years. I just wanted to share/vent my first experience of knowing what it's like to be in a true poly relationship.
A little background first. I am a 41 yr old married female. My husband is mostly mono , although he is totally understanding and sympathetic to the poly lifestyle. I've been involved with a good friend of ours for the last three years. He is supportive of the relationship , we have very few issues regarding the situation.
My secondary (hate that word) is a twice divorced man who is definitely not mono, nor will he ever be. He was involved with the swinging lifestyle for several years ,but the past several years has been more poly than anything.
We live 1.5 hours from each other and see other 2-3 times a month depending on circumstances. He has had a long term girlfriend or two off/on during most of our relationship. However, these women were/are women who are not part of my social group. I do not have interaction with them. The first long term girlfriend did not even know of my existance. His current girlfriend knows about me, knows that we have a sexual relationship and that we are best friends. She does not know the depth of our feelings for each other. So basically I have never been jealous of these women. They are not a threat to me. They are companionship I can not give him. There has never been any jealousy ,period.
Over New Years he was introduced to a friend of mine from high school at a party. This friend and I were out of touch for many years and just started hanging out again. He acted mildly interested in her, but nothing over the top. Eventually he asked me if I minded if they persued a sexual relationship.
I thought about it , and decided it really wouldn't bother me. I actually doubted he would follow through because he didn't seem overly attracted to her.
Last weekend we had a party at our house and he was staying the weekend (as he does at least once a month). He basically asked me to be his 'wingwomen' and convince my friend to sleep with him.
I was a little taken back, but decided what the heck.. Being poly is about sharing and making the other person happy. I paved the way for them to sleep together (in my home, on the same bed we regularly use). However, after the fact, I had feelings of insecurity and jealousy even though all three of us talked openly.
He told her he wanted a 'friends with benefits' relationship only and nothing else. He has told her and his current girlfriend that he is not giving up the relationship he and I have. He says I'm number #1 in his heart and he loves me. He tells me if I'm not okay with the scenario of him sleeping with my friend he will stop. Yet I'm not sure if he means it or is just saying it to keep me pacified.
I feel so horrendous. I am the one who spouts how poly I am , and how I understand the need for multiple relationships. Yet I can't get past these feelings of insecurity. It is so bad that some days I just want to walk away from what he and I have. However, I know I never could because our lives are too intertwined among our group of friends. Not to mention he is one of my best friends, and I wouldn't want to lose that. Even though it's not the most traditional of relationships I am in love with him.
I fear one day he will find someone he wants to be mono with ,and I will tossed to the wayside, or stuck in the platonic friend category. He has told me he will never be mono because he likes being 'bad'.
Is this what being poly is about?
I need advice from you seasoned veterans on how to handle these feelings.