That is a tough spot. Now that you have made your feelings and wants clear (I assume from what you've said), it gets even harder doesn't it? I really think it's now your boyfriend's job to manage negotiations with his wife. Is he good at negotiating his wants? Does he just get frustrated too but not try to change things because he doesn't want to push her? That is fine too as long as he is honest with you about it so you can know what to expect (or to expect that no changes will happen due to his asking for them). I would say you were crazy if you DIDN'T ask for what you need, as things obviously can't go on this way it sounds.
Depends on how patient you want to be, and if the wife says she is willing to change. One thing you could do is choose your top 3 rules that are eating at you, such as:
1. no overnights
2. no going out on dates
3. having a date on a weekend.
You could try stating that these three things are the ones that are making you feel the worst about the boundaries, and that you needed her to trust the two of you enough to choose at least one of these to be suspended so the relationship could have a chance to succeed, and then you'd all check back in about how it was going after a month. You could just ask for one thing to change that rubs you the wrong way. Obviously how she reacts is all going to be based on what she is scared of, but I think asking for SPECIFIC actions or boundary changes is most likely to be useful. If she refuses and hasn't spent enough time to figure out why she is so scared to let go of these things, I would say chances are slim that she is interested in doing that in the future either. Going at the pace of the slowest still means going at a pace if she's agreed that there is an end goal she is working towards.
Has you talked about how the closeting would be long term? Does she think that in another year say, that maybe other people would be able to know that you and her husband have a relationship? Truth is right there if she can't say that it will be OK to stop being a secret at some point, that would be my answer right there. Something else might be the sticking point for you, but I would want the answer to whatever that burning most important thing was.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Last edited by Anneintherain; 02-28-2012 at 11:39 PM.