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Old 02-15-2009, 05:57 PM
hopefuldrew hopefuldrew is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9
Default Hey!

Blackdog,

Being lonely is no fun at all… hang in there! I hope this kind of thing helps…

As far as what you can ask of her and what time frame? There are 2 basic and very smart poly rules that in the last couple of years could have spared my loved ones and myself a whoopin’ lot of pain and hardship;

#1) always be open and honest to everyone involved about everything, and
#2) DON’T DO ANYTHING unless everyone is accepting, good and comfortable with it.

Yes, #2 means you may not get what you want…

I think when we love someone, we are prone to give sometimes even more that we really are able to, and that is not healthy. Maybe your partner has been doing this? But she sounds like she is suffering, and so it is not caring or loving of you to let it go on, eh? So bravo to you for saying you want to put it aside for now! And assuming that you value this relationship, and that you DO NOT want to break up with her, the reasonable thing to do is to put the breaks on completely until she feels different. But above all, don’t take your partner and your relationship for granted. For me, in the chaos of falling in love with my friend, and then lying about it and then becoming increasingly detached, I took my wife for granted, and then I just fucked it all up real bad. My wife said “go ahead and be friends”, and I did that and more. She tried to be accepting and tolerant, but meanwhile had panic attacks, etc…. and Ijust kept doing what I did.... What was I thinking? (that is another conversation!) I care about her so much and yet I was able to do this, I was horrible. It was a really bad feeling for her (still is) that I, the person who loves her, could let her have panick attacts!

And I was just talking to my wife about this as I write you. She made the point about how the water just keeps going under the bridge, and then things about your previously wonderful and life affirming trust is broken. This should give anyone in a good relationship a real stomach ache.

And I agree with SeventhCrow, you should be open and honest with your friend. Your friend would probably want to know all the facts, the better for him to know how to choose, act, be supportive, and remain your friend. My friend, I left her in the dark on some details, as I feared I would scare her away. When she found out much later that I was not including her with the facts, she was right to resent my choices. She genuinely cared about my wife and family, and she was having her own hard-enough time making the right choices for herself and us. But this just compounded it, made it all worse. Be totally honest with your friend too. May you always be at least friends.

It sounds like you are smarter and more along a healthy poly-way than I was at such important crossroads. I offer the above in the spirit of being supportive, as I get the lonely feeling. It is nice to have found sites like this to talk. I hope this helps!

Drew