patience is not a virtue anymore
I have been in a poly relationship with a married couple for the past year which we were hoping would move towards a V type relationship. I have been friends with the couple for many years so we aren’t strangers and there is already a level of trust. He and I are intimate. She and I are not but we're good friends.
When we began this adventure the couple was new to poly and the wife, who identifies as mono, had set some pretty stringent rules about how his relationship with me could progress. We agreed to move at the pace of the slowest person in our group and have been diligent about it. Currently we see each other for lunches a few days a week, have one night a week when the three of us hang out together and then he and I have one evening to ourselves. It all sounds good but there are rules about everything.
He has to go home before coming to my house on our night and there is a strict curfew time that he must be home by. My night can never be on a weekend.
Neither of us is allowed to tell anyone else about the relationship which means no dates where we go out and no socializing outside our group of three.
She must have access to all emails and texts between the two of us.
I cannot call him in the evening – texting is allowed though.
No sleep overs
When they are on holiday I get a text a day to check in but no calls or letters. The text must be generic in case anyone sees them.
To be fair, I agreed to these rules (which were described as temporary) when we started because I knew that she needed time to adjust and to figure things out and I wanted her to have them. We have been moving at her speed and have been very conscious of her feelings and needs. When she has had doubts we’ve slowed things down. I’ve given up time with him on numerous occasions when she’s wanted him to be around or it’s been busy at work and we didn't want her to have the additional stress. She agrees that they have never been closer than they are now. That their relationship has grown and their communication has immensely improved. She says she trusts us both and wants the relationship to succeed yet she won’t let go a little and give us a chance to show her that this can work. She has yet to really “dive into the pool” or even dip a toe.
I have reached the point where I feel like I may need to walk away. Just writing that hurt but I don’t see that there are other choices. I have discussed my feelings with both of them but to no avail. He and I are both very frustrated. I don’t want to hurt either or them or their relationship but living a half life doesn't feel right either. I feel lonely and like a low priority. I have needs and desires too that have been suppressed for more than a year and there doesn't seem to be any potential for forward movement any time in the near future. Some of the rules listed above were actually added after we started so instead of letting go and taking a leap of faith it seems like her grip just keeps getting tighter.
Am I kidding myself thinking we can make this work or is it just about giving her more time? Is it wrong to ask for what I need?
What do you think? I would love some advice from the more experienced.