Originally Posted by nycindie
... polys are simply people who have come to the conclusion that they themselves are the best source for the rules of how they will live. This self-determination appears in many areas of life, and people who feel this right to self-determination in other areas of their lives will decide their own rules for those areas. But when they apply this to decide relationship rules, and give themselves the right to consider a range of nonstandard possibilities, sometimes that is labeled polyamory.
Of course, other times it is labeled other things. And there's self-determination again, because when people aren't feeling constrained to a set of external rules, the rules they choose are unlikely to totally match the rules other people choose, making externally applied labels difficult. Which, I think, explains the common observation that there are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people doing it. People who make up their own rules will seldom reinvent exactly the same rules.
All this is why I offer the reframing that there's no such th'ing as polyamory. Instead, I suggest that polyamory might well be presented as simply a special case of the larger social ideal of self-determination...
Yes. I guess I am drawn towards polyamory from a long life of questioning authority. Since I've been a lactation specialist for so long, I've seen how, even tho there are breastfeeding general guidelines, each nursing dyad is different, and breastfeeding won't succeed until the needs of each person are taken into account: anatomical, personality, oral needs, need for sleep, whether mom or baby is laid back or energetic, etc etc. Moms who hold to "only nurse the baby every 3 or 4 hours" are doomed to failure. Same holds true for the homeschooling I did. I tailored "school" differently for each of my 3 kids, and so followed their lead.
Same goes for being poly. The shape each relationship takes depends on the personality and needs of each partner I've got, or have had. I don't go in thinking, I will need X amt of dates with you per month, you will take part in 3somes with me, you will only touch me in such and such a way, you will or won't meet my family and friends.
Go with the flow is my motto. Ride the wave, feel your feelings, LISTEN to your partner(s), and create your own routine as it fits everyone.
So... yeah, BP, looking for a gf who has a male partner, who both want 3 somes with you, and the gf will also want 3somes with your h, is a pretty rigid expectation... you might want to loosen up a little.