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Old 02-28-2012, 03:37 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by bpc View Post
while i agree with this in theory, it is hard for me not to look at what happens in practice in a lot of polyamorous culture and feel hesitant. i see a lot of bad decision making and unnecessarily risky behavior (particularly when alcohol/drugs are involved), a high occurrence of sexual assault (or at least not respecting boundaries), poor communication, and a lot of jealousy and resentment (jealous of eachothers' partners and resentment of the bad choices people are making with regard to who is sleeping with who, the level of protection used, and the communication around what is happening).
To be fair, risky behavior, alcohol/drug use, bad decisions, not respecting personal boundaries, and all that happens in a lot of monogamous culture too.
while i don't want to resent my partner for not satisfying all of my needs (or them to resent me for not satisfying all of theirs), i have never experienced the level betrayal, jealousy, and resentment that i see deeply pervasive in the polyamorous relationships around me and hear about through the grapevine. I get that the idea is to have REALLY open communication about needs and boundaries so that everyone feels good about what is happening, but it seems far more complicated in practice and pretty destructive to a lot of people (both mentally and in terms of physical/sexual health). However, i do have a lot of faith in my partner and their ability to communicate what is happening, respecting my boundaries, and making good decisions about sex (though risky decisions have been made in the past which makes me nervous for the future).
In the past 5 months? Or in the past -before- the relationship with you? People CAN change, sometimes, but if you're talking about risky decisions that have been made in the past 5 months I'd say that's hardly enough time to work through the fallout from those issues AND made a drastic personal change. Also, I hope I never know the poly relationships you know! Though, again, there's a LOT of betrayal, jealousy, and resentment in the mono relationships I know. I just don't know many poly people in person.

relationships are complicated and take a lot of work regardless of how they are defined. i know this. i want to have a relationship that feels healthy for both of us and meets our needs. i do not want my partner to feel like they are being untrue to themselves and their nature by being in a monogamous relationship, but i also want to be true to my own nature and not make compromises i can't handle. i want to seek a balance that works for both of us. i just don't know if it exists because i don't know if i really want polyamory for myself. sometimes it sounds like a good idea. sometimes it just sounds like a big mess i'd rather avoid... like satisfying those unquenched desires isn't worth all the difficulty involved. i know this has been a serious rant, but i could really use some advice from someone else than my partner and a few close friends. what you got?
I second redpepper's suggestion that you do a tag search for mono/poly. You don't have to want poly for yourself to be happy/satisfied/fulfilled in a poly relationship. My husband is mono (though if he ever decides not to be, that's fine too) and I've been poly (according to him) for about 7 years (from my pov I didn't start "practicing" poly until a little over 2 years ago *shrug*). So, it exists, never fear! As long as you both have the same commitment to each other and working on the rough parts of your relationship, you have a good shot at being just fine.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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