Thank you to everyone for the congrats!
It really does feel like a breakthrough for me to be able to let myself verbally acknowledge feelings that have been simmering and growing. (It took me 6 mos to admit that I "cared for" MrS - a significantly less loaded concept.) Part of it, for me, is the fact that several recent events and conversations have indicated to me, that the pace of my NRE is slowing but as our relationship settles into a more comfortable and less urgent pattern the feelings are still there and deepening. I feel more confident that my brain and my heart are on the same path and this isn't just hormones racing to put words in my mouth.
RP - I understand and acknowledge that using the word "retarded" can be offensive. You stated honestly how you felt and I don't feel that there was any attack involved. Had I been a little less giddy last night I might have edited my post to read "emotionally stunted" - which would have carried less baggage.
(Side story - Dude's ex, CrazyGirl, was also very triggered by the use of the word retard/retarded. Anyone who used the word - appropriately or no - was lambasted. And being a CrazyGirl she did not state her reaction nearly as clearly as our RP... Then one day she drops the "N" bomb randomly into a conversation! Our jaws dropped... For some reason I always think of this story when I drive into town and pass the sign that reads "Brake retarders are prohibited within boro limits.")
For me the "L" word is also loaded - although, obviously, in a completely different fashion. For several years I thought the very concept of "romantic love" was a fiction. Even once I had acknowledged that such a thing might exist I was/am hyper-aware of the casual and (in my mind) inappropriate use of the word.
People would toss it out there thoughtlessly (my response - "Oh, great, you 'love' me like you love your grandmother, your dog, and cheesecake...I must be really 'special.'") or when they meant something something completely different (my response "No, you don't love me, you think I am interesting and would like to try to get in my pants...lucky for you I feel the same way - so lets have a brilliant conversation and then go have some hot sex and not say things we don't mean.") I would also see people use "I love you" as a way to manipulate their SO - "I love you, so you have to have sex with me." or "I love you, so you have to forgive me for being a jackass...again." (My response to these would have been significantly less polite than those given above.)
Incidentally, I actually don't know where my fear of acknowledging my feelings came from. Unlike most people, it seems, I have never (in 37 years) had my heart "broken." To me, in telling someone (all two of them), that I love them means (among other things) that if, for some reason, they were ever to no longer be a part of my life that a piece of me would go with them - bloodied and broken. I would heal (I think) from this wound but there would be a scar that would always hurt. So there is a pleasure/pain associated with telling Dude that I love him.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 02-28-2012 at 03:41 AM.
Reason: consistency of tense - still not very consistent