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Old 02-27-2012, 11:08 PM
yami08 yami08 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11

Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Yep, those damn conversations have to happen!

I find it unusual that you have not met her other partner yet though at a year. If there isn't the excuse of being long distance, really I think meeting him would be a requirement for me before even knowing if a co-primary relationship with her is a viable option. I know it may be more awkward because SO much time has gone by, but it is probably time. If she is too nervous to facilitate it, maybe start an email conversation with him and meet him on your own. I am sure you know by now if you and he have any common hobbies. Meet for a beer, a board or sports game, whatever, and just get to know each other a bit.

edit: I would never date somebody who would not "let" me meet their other partners. Have you met their mutual friends? Any family? If he does not want to meet that is one thing. Nevertheless I don't see that it would be very workable to have co-primaries that did not enjoy each others company or at least tolerate spending mutual time together sometimes. I am sure others here who actually HAVE co-primaries have more useful advice on that though.
As I have mentioned before, I have not asked directly to meet her primary, though I do feel that I would like to meet him and feel him out. From what she tells me, he is a very understanding and mature person so again I'm assuming that the issue is not with her bf, but with herself not wanting to mix up the two separate relationships.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes indeed! All these assumptions and guesses would drive me nuts. You can't make informed choices if you don't know what kind of situation you're in.

Why "of course?" Maybe I'm misconstruing your meaning here, but do you think that because you've now expressed love for each other, you shouldn't be talking about her OSO? Or do you mean that now that you've reached deeper feelings for each other that maybe it's time for it to happen?
The latter. We tried to remain as casual as possible at the beginning, but since we have expressed a deeper emotional connection, we've been having deeper conversations. I do believe this has to happen now.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't think any relationship where you learn about yourself and develop new skills for communicating and relating can ever be a waste of time and energy, even if your heart gets broken. I really think you need to talk more. All your posts give me the impression of someone walking on eggshells, not communicating as much as you could, and getting a little lost in fantasies because of it. Do you feel like being her secondary means you are not "entitled" to talk about or ask for what you want?
You have really hit the nail on the head. I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes, especially when it comes to conversations about her and I, or her and her primary. She has casually named me the "Second bf"...and I brush it off as a her not being too serious about it. This definitely has to change...I won't let her refer to me as secondary any longer. It bothered me from the beginning, but I brushed it off.

I definitely need to be more assertive in asking for what I want. I have never been that way with her, always being very go with the flow, or very casual and accepting when she cancels plans or makes me feel like a secondary person. It is my own fault...

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It's possible that she doesn't really see this as a polyamorous situation, with the typical recommendations that one would get from other poly peeps to have metamours meet, etc., but more like she's simply an independent woman in two relationships and likes to keep them separate. She may also just feel that her SO would be uncomfortable and is protecting him. I don't think it's totally unworkable for two metamours not to know each other, but it certainly could make things a lot easier in a situation where they are co-primaries.
I believe you may be right. I have not met any of her best friends, no family members. She has mentioned that only a handful of her close friends know about me, including her primary. She definitely likes to keep things very separate.
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