I think I get how you're thinking now. My past experience in theses matters has been to be more analytical ....ignoring the little voice or ignoring the gut. Sensing the problem but trusting the person was telling me the truth ....I must be paranoid or I must have some issue generating these thoughts and feeling. Trying to do the opposite of what you're doing.
I've now found that the " invisible force...voices..feelings something bad is about to happen,... intuition " or whatever you want to call them are a better and more accurate guide then the words and process spinning in my analytical brain. The goal is to get the two in alignment. And for me trusting the little voice has yet to fail me.
I get how you are connecting your past experience and the how you lost yourself with in that however, wouldn't that be possible in any close romantic relationship? You wouldn't have to be married for that to occur.
Have you thought about those feeling of " being out side the circle" and how it effects the candidates you choose to date? How does that specific piece looks under a microscope. Do you see any patterns in the men you choose or are attracted to. Have they been loners?? or socially shy prone to co dependency ...or are they extroverts with large social circles or families waiting to take you in?