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Old 02-27-2012, 09:12 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Originally Posted by yami08 View Post
Of course I am assuming at this point, but I believe their arrangement is more of a DADT policy. She had mentioned previously that she doesn't always inform him when we meet for a date, and there was one time where she did, he got a bit snippy. These things have led me to my assumptions about their relationship dynamic. I am curious to know this is another conversation I must have with her.
Yes indeed! All these assumptions and guesses would drive me nuts. You can't make informed choices if you don't know what kind of situation you're in.

Originally Posted by yami08 View Post
I have not asked her directly to meet her bf, though there was one incident where I jokingly thought out loud about what it would be like to meet him...she said she didn't know if she would let that happen. This was of course, before we had expressed our love for each other.
Why "of course?" Maybe I'm misconstruing your meaning here, but do you think that because you've now expressed love for each other, you shouldn't be talking about her OSO? Or do you mean that now that you've reached deeper feelings for each other that maybe it's time for it to happen?

Originally Posted by yami08 View Post
Just re-capping this all in my head starts to make me believe that it either will take a long time and lots of patience on my end for this to work...or that I'm wasting my time and energy where I'll just be hurt in the end. The latter being one of my worst fears...
I don't think any relationship where you learn about yourself and develop new skills for communicating and relating can ever be a waste of time and energy, even if your heart gets broken. I really think you need to talk more. All your posts give me the impression of someone walking on eggshells, not communicating as much as you could, and getting a little lost in fantasies because of it. Do you feel like being her secondary means you are not "entitled" to talk about or ask for what you want?

Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I find it unusual that you have not met her other partner yet though at a year. If there isn't the excuse of being long distance, really I think meeting him would be a requirement for me before even knowing if a co-primary relationship with her is a viable option... If she is too nervous to facilitate it, maybe start an email conversation with him and meet him on your own.

...I don't see that it would be very workable to have co-primaries that did not enjoy each others company or at least tolerate spending mutual time together sometimes.
It's possible that she doesn't really see this as a polyamorous situation, with the typical recommendations that one would get from other poly peeps to have metamours meet, etc., but more like she's simply an independent woman in two relationships and likes to keep them separate. She may also just feel that her SO would be uncomfortable and is protecting him. I don't think it's totally unworkable for two metamours not to know each other, but it certainly could make things a lot easier in a situation where they are co-primaries.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

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