Originally Posted by Jagger
I have tried to put down some "ground rules" and boundaries, but my partner bluntly refuses.
Reading what you've written, the way I perceive it is that your partner has already established his own rules and boundaries (DADT) without much concern for how you feel about it. It seems unfair to me that he should get to impose this rule on you, and you should be sitting there worried about how your feelings and ideas of how you want your relationship to work may cause him discomfort.
Instead of advice, I'll ask a question. Does he come home and tell you funny stories about his coworkers, his experiences with his friends, times with his family?
If he does, he could be revealing a mental block surrounding sexual or romantic relationships, possibly influenced by our monogamous-minded culture, which it might be helpful to talk about. I acknowledge that everyone has the right to privacy, and I don't want you to write off your own potential for mental blockages around "needing to know" about sexual and romantic activities. (Mental blockages aside, you have a right to know if you've been exposed to risky sexual behavior through him.)
If he doesn't share anything like that with you, of any sort...well, that would make me sad. So let's hope that's not the case.