Originally Posted by NovemberRain
Wait, so one relationship made you miserable, therefore that structure is unworkable? What if you had one relationship that did not require you to change so much that you became depressed and miserable?
Thanks for this question, NovemberRain. I've been thinking about it all day.
This is something I've discussed before with a good friend of mine who was appalled when I told her that I felt relationships were just not for me because of one!
Anyway - two or three years have passed since she and I had those chats and I think I'm clearer now about my feelings.
I think that structure is unworkable for me because I think it encourages me to think and behave in ways that are bad for me.
So - I grew up feeling like an outsider in my family. And feeling like an outsider with friends too (I was heavily involved in several sports and am not terribly sporty!) As an outsider I would sometimes feel not welcome, I'd sometimes isolate myself from friends etc.
When my ex and I were together, I was never an outsider. He loved me so much and we were very close. So I stopped making efforts with other people. When he found it difficult for me to have close friendships, I let them go (and it was easy to do so because I never felt like I was important to those people).
Now I know and feel differently. But. But. But. I have spent more than three quarters of my life feeling like an unimportant outsider and however much I now understand that those feelings were not necessary, I know that they lurk within me still.
Of course they do - they are far more familiar to me than my feelings of being loved, wanted and included.
I'm just wary of replicating a situation that encouraged that way of thinking - and I feel that having somebody who I live with and who is a life partner might encourage that way of thinking. Maybe in time when I've had more time to practise feeling loved and wanted, I'll feel differently but right now I wouldn't want to take the risk.
Thank you - I think I've had that inside waiting to come out for some time.