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Old 11-23-2009, 04:39 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default Thirds in a V-from the perspective of a hinge

So-we have this V.

Myself, Maca and GreenGecko.

I am the hinge. I have had long term (11 yrs and 16 yrs respectively) with them. So there is a long-defined pattern to our relationships. This is changing, specifically because we are now an established V.

**** complication to dynamic****
We all live together.
We're raising our kids in a quad not a V.
My sister is part of the familiy dynamic in nearly all ways-just not sexually with any of us.

Anyway-throughout the length of our marriage (Maca and I) GG has had a "secondary" type of role in most areas of our lives, and less in some.

For example: he could pipe in opinions in regard to the kid-but the final decisions were utimately mine and Maca's. Now to clarify-we always took his thoughts and feelings into consideration, he's not one to say something if it's not important. But it was OUR choice.
In regards to sex, sexual behavior, partners etc, he had no say so and we generally didn't discuss it with him....

Well... this last week really brought home to me one of the significant changes in our "family".

In the space of one week I've been propositioned by someone new.
Maca has been propositioned by someone new.
Maca has participated in a sexual relationship with someone new.

In recieving my proposition (which occurred first) it became glaringly obvious to me on a personal emotional level that this was just something I couldn't do without BOTH of my men being agreeable. Now-it was moot, as I didn't accept the proposition for personal reasons, but the lesson was SO pertinent.

GG is a third in our family.. but he's PRIMARY in our lives and now that the dynamic has changed-that means taking his needs/wants/desires in before decisions are made is a NECESSITY-not an OPTION.

I think this may be where there is a falling apart in some V's and Triads. I think that maybe the "original" couple forgets that this other person may be "new" to the dynamic.This person is invested in the relationship however and their needs MUST be equal priority for it to work.

I only briefly discussed this with Maca, in that I mentioned to him that I could not and would not participate with another lover (even WITH him) without consulting with GG first.

It's not that GG's needs hold priority over Maca's. They don't. It's that they are no LESS important than Maca's.

So-anyway-when all this popped up I was thinking "wow this reminds me of Ceoli's post" (the thirdness of being third). I thought about it for the last couple days and realized-I don't want GG to feel that way. I want him to KNOW that he IS a full 3rd of this partnership. Not some smaller portion.....
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