Originally Posted by nycindie
I will be blunt. I think you need to stop entertaining the fantasy of replacing her primary partner and come back down to earth. You don't have to be her primary for her to be yours. Sure, she may be confused about her primary relationship, but that sounds like NRE. It's still fairly new for both of you. But you are spinning off into these thoughts that you are "the one" she should be with, indulging in that idea, and fantasizing that she feels the same way but is keeping her feelings for you "at bay." This is not good because that kind of thinking could lead to unnecessary drama. Poly isn't about figuring out which person should be THE ONE to love -- but you can just let yourself love her with all your heart and treat her well, and not worry about who is in first place.
Continuing along this train of thought will cause problems because eventually you'll put her in the position of having to choose, and that isn't fair. Both her relationships could get messed up if you don't make an effort to start seeing the reality that she loves two people. So, I agree with the others that you just shouldn't be focusing on where you are within a hierarchy, And try to stay grounded. If you want to be in a mono relationship, you either need to move on or accept that this is a mono/poly arrangement. And make sure that you cultivate the friendships in your life and find ways to expend your energy that aren't so focused on her.
Also, do you have any sort of friendship with her SO? If not, I think it would behoove you to get to know that person and start seeing him or her as an ally in loving her, not your competition.
Thank you for being so blunt. I need that. I admit that I've thought about it one too many times. It would seem that during the first 6 months, I was dealing with it very well, I was dating others, out and having a blast with my friends and my confidence was very high. Lately it hasn't been the same as I have realized I've fallen in love with her. - I'll definitely try to stay grounded. She is not comfortable at this point allowing us to meet. Though she would define their relationship is "open", I suspect he is a Mono and hasn't completely accepted her being Poly.