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Old 02-27-2012, 04:29 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,707

Well I would be bothered by a partner that doesn't tell me anything and doesn't want to discuss boundaries. I haven't known any poly relationships that have survived a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy (DADT) without the people in them moving so far away from knowing each other that there is really no connection at all and they are just paying lip service to the term "partnership." Wither that or they get really damaged by doubt, fear, secrecy and insecurity and eventually split up. It seems to me its kind of like above board cheating if you have a DADT policy. Perhaps he is getting confused by what is usually called an "open relationship" and what poly is? Have you asked him what poly is to him and discussed your different ideas on it?

I would suggest that you and he do a tag search here for "DADT" and see what has been written. I would also look at the threads tagged "lessons" and "foundations" as well as usually poly is based on open and honest communication, integrity, compassion/empathy/consideration and love and caring for all those concerned, including establishing solidly functional and cooperative metamour relationships (your partners partner is your metamour). I don't see this happening if you are getting nothing, in terms of communicating, out of your partner.

I would ask him what it is that he is willing to tell because nothing is just not going to work for you. Perhaps details about his sex life are just too much for him, but where he is, who he is with and eventually meeting men that he is serious about would be okay. This is where boundary discussion comes in and is really necessary. It sounds to me that if you are going to be able to trust, and be comfortable to give him a kiss as he leaves your company with both of you knowing that things are good between you, you are going to have to work out some boundaries.
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