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Old 02-26-2012, 08:00 PM
Fenn Fenn is offline
New Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 4

Hmm. Well, I don't know. Being jarred from my position as "THE ONLY ONE" to secondary in the span of a couple months is a little too abrupt for me. I know you're just making that point as one option of many, but I don't know. It still throws me into a similar position; I feel more comfortable with monogamy, and wouldn't likely seek out other partners actively, even if I was only a secondary. I can't really see it as anything but a 'downgrade', even if I just got to show up for the fun stuff. There would still be some hypothetical primary there, saying what's okay and what's not okay, ready to impose limits on a relationship towards which I would definitely have a lingering sense of entitlement.

It would also kind of confirm my initial concerns anyway, that somehow this is compromising the structure of our relationship. I mean, if she were 'okay' with me being a secondary, isn't that what I'm worried about in the first place? I guess going from primary to secondary is more jarring to me, than going from primary to single. I know what 'monogamy' feels like, and I know what 'single' feels like, but I have no clue about how the transition to secondary, or the end result, will feel.

Plus, all those stresses about plans and 'our life together' still linger. I mean this is a serious relationship to me; I've been quite confident about engagement, though I've withheld myself from acting on it until we're both out of school. Seemed like the best time. Point being, if I take myself out of the role of primary, I suppose that I don't have to worry about all the veto power, the behind-my-back communications, the nitty-gritty rulemaking process for primaries... But, I don't want to leave her, or compromise all those long-term plans I was starting to have.

That, and she doesn't really have anyone else she's considering as a primary, so it's kind of a moot point. I do appreciate the suggestion, though. I could learn to bowl. :P

All she's basically offered me in this, as a benefit to agreeing to a polyamorous relationship, is the freedom to seek out partners of my own. Which would be nice, I suppose, as an opportunity to seek out men, as a way to satisfy my bisexual tendencies. Still, it's not polyamory, to me; I'm not looking to establish a hierarchy of partners for myself, either, and don't have the desire to do so.

...Hah, if she ever finds this forum, she'll know it's me, because I end up using metaphors after a while. I described it to her as "buying her a new sports car, and then asking her for permission to drive it to the grocery store every once in a while". Just, this idea that she gets this awesome new 'toy' to try out, and the benefits it confers me are superfluous, negligible at best.

She's said she's not 100% sure what she can offer me, but that our relationship can continue as normal. This just comes across to me as naive. For someone who's been thinking about being polyamorous for months, to have little else to say but "...I dunno. I guess you can do what you want!" strikes me as selfish and short-sighted. I want to give her the freedom. It's like a smack in the face, though, that she never thought about how she might make this appealing for both of us.

Or even how it was supposed to work. I'm pulling my ground rules out of thin air, because I don't understand the entirety of what she wants! Most of my rules, too, are all about trust, and asking her to stop keeping me in the dark about her thoughts and feelings towards other people. That feels like something I should have, regardless of whether or not our relationship is monogamous, polyamorous, or anything else.
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