You are not alone in confusion here.
I say that many people come here hoping for answers. All I can say is maybe use the search feature, and hopefully find some similar experiences. I think as women we tend to overthink things. (I am the QUEEN of the overthinkers) Just enjoy what you have. It sounds a little like you are afraid of getting close and getting hurt which is natural. Also good you are thinking about possible outcomes but also think of yourself, you have alot of happiness to claim for yourself.
Welcome to the boards. Enjoy your stay!