The search for clarity
As someone who is new to this concept, I am finding it increasingly difficult to control how I feel about her. It's been close to a year of great times and building this amazing connection. I would say that I'm currently in a Vee...with her being the hinge. She has a primary relationship, which is currently very strong and what I'd like to think is stable. I on the other hand, am single and have been on this search for my primary relationship.
Though I have dated other women during the past year, I've found it difficult to create emotional connections to these people. It would seem that she gets most of my heart. The connection to this women is just unreal, nothing I've ever experienced in the past, so it's not something I can easily deny or try and downplay, though I find I must at times to ensure I don't destabilize the Vee. However, as of late, I have found that I am increasingly having thoughts of how it would be, to be the primary in this Vee. How do you all control this? It was a lot easier to control before we started having deeper discussions about our relationship.
She has stated that this likely won't happen, but I also suspect that it's her defensive mechanism to keep me at bay. We both have expressed love for each other, but she has also confessed that she has become confused about her primary relationship...and has questioned whether that person or I am the one she should be with. Those same exact thoughts that I've had, are becoming stronger each day and it's becoming more and more difficult to deny that they exist.
Though I am always constantly trying to discover myself, I believe I would be very happy with her. And although I've tried over the last year to understand and accept this open lifestyle, I am not sure yet whether this is the lifestyle for me.
I'm currently seeing a therapist, who has been somewhat helpful thus far to provide more clarity for this situation. I've been told to focus more on what I want and how "we" - her and I can try to work through this. This makes sense, but I also fear I will push her away if I ask for too much too fast.
It feels really good to just put this all down in writing rather than a jumble of thoughts in my head...