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Old 02-26-2012, 12:08 AM
RYEQuinones RYEQuinones is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3
Question A poly newbie with some experience making major mistakes

So this is my story. Last year I was involved in a serious of open relationships with a few partners, I was honest and happy, and spent quality time with all of them. I started trying to understand the kind of life I was living and started reading about open relationships. I read the book Ethical Slut and found the concept of polyamory. This concept fit perfectly with my ideals, morals and how I lately had envisioned my personal relationships to be like. I met a guy and was completely honest about my lifestyle, he thought it’s what he wanted too, and in the way he express himself as to what he had hoped his personal romantic life to be well he had just found a new dogma. We started going out and even met 1 of the guys I was involved with, and we ended up hanging out a couple of times. Months passed and he assumed the position of primary, I continued to see the other guys but made clear to all of them that this guy was my priority because he was the one I felt most comfortable with. The rest of the guys were ok with that. He moved to my house and we started a life together. 5 months into this stage he met a girl at work and they started going out, I was ok with it at first but he refused to be open with her. That is when all hell broke loose. He started seeing her more often and eventually I had to throw him out of my house because I found myself waiting on him every other night, plus I was going through a really hard time and I needed his support more than ever. I expressed my needs and wants clearly and I asked him to be open with her and explain to her that I needed support and needed to be with him more. He was always around but when she was busy. He made her think she was the one and only and was too available for her. After two months of that relationship he decided she wasn’t what he had hope she’d be and decided to end the relationship. During the time he was with her I felt she had taken the position of primary, and I was a secondary, so after some serious consideration I re-took to seeing other people again more frequently, but I started lying to him, not about seeing other guys but about the extent of my relationships with them. I met a new guy to add to my poly family, whom I was honest and open about my lifestyle too and turn out he was poly himself also and we decided to start going out. I told my primary about it and he was ok with it at first (when everything was a plan), but admitted to feel a little jealous. When the reality of the situation came in, the day I made a date to go to the new guy’s house, since we had decided to become sexual, I told my primary and he established some rules and we made a commitment. The other day he called and wanted specifics, I told him as I used to tell him things, and he started feeling jealous, really jealous. He expressed his feelings in a very assertive way and I worked through them with him, I explained that I had passed through the same exact feelings when he started giving more priority to the girl at work, and how to work through them. He decided he did not want an open relationship anymore, so we became “traditional boyfriend and girlfriend”. The day after that I slept with a co-worker and lied about it. I told him the truth a week later and from that moment until today it’s been 3 months and he is still mad at me. I still haven’t gotten thru the hurt of being relegated to second chair that first time either. He had been trying to get a third into the relationship for quite some time now and I have told him that we need to work through our loss of trust after doing that. We have talked about our main concerns but we always end up fighting and emotionally attacking each other. He met a girl the other day, and again failed to be honest with her. I did not like that, and felt fear about having to go through all that again. He decided last week to not be my boyfriend anymore after a fight we had and the day after that (the fight was left inconclusive) he invited 1 girl to go out and made contact with 2 others. I felt really bad. Today we sat down and are trying to work through all this again. HELP please!!!!
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