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Old 02-25-2012, 08:57 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
1) boundaries need to come from within, not from outside. They need to serve the primary relationship, and in your heart, you have to make a choice to never put the sanctity of that primary relationship in jeopardy. you still need to make agreements about other relationships with your partner, but you have to make that commitment inside of yourself first.
OK, to dissect. This first rule applies only to already partnered, primary couples. "SERVE THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP"?? Are the secondaries their servants? Well, if your sis and her guy have houseboys, and subs, yes. If they have other (non-power exchange egalitarian partners, "serve" might not be the best choice of words. I'd prefer "respect." (ie, no cowgirls or cowboys allowed.)

2) hierarchy exists for a reason (this is probably going to cause a comment RIOT y'all, but i really identified with this). only a very, very few people can deal with poly without any hierarchy, and noobs have will run into some major shit trying to mirror that tiny percentile of relationships. primary. secondary. tertiary. there should never be the same levels of intimacy, spontaneity, time commitment, life commitment to a secondary/tertiary partner.
I take issue with this, big time. "NEVER"?? I'd love the same level of intimacy with my Ginger that I have with miss pixi, and so far, at 2 months in, there is no limit to how deep he and I want to go... and miss pixi would never think of limiting my feelings for anyone else.

I can be as spontaneous as I want to be with my guys. I do confer with miss pixi, I mean, I do not just run out on a date when she and I have our long weekends together, we talk it over, but if something really fun came up, and she and I had had some quality time already, I don't see saying NO to someone else.

they are different kinds of relationships. your primary relationship is sacred, and should be protected by both parties, as it is this primary relationship that allows all others to exist in the way that they do. the love starts in that primary relationship, and needs to be nurtured/protected by all partners involved
Again, this only applies to already established couples, and like others, I find all my love relationships sacred. Love is sacred, sex is sacred. When I share my heart and soul with anyone, it is sacred and divine. Now, if I was married with small children, I would put their needs first. If both miss pixi and Ginger had to have serious operations on the same day, I'd choose to be with her, as Ginger has a wife of his own to be at his bedside. But if miss pixi was stable, I'd sure as shit want to go see Ginger in the hospital too, bring him flowers, comfort him, as well. My heart would be with both of them, as they both rock and enrich my life.

3) if you are with a secondary partner who doesn't respect the boundaries/hierarchy, move on. you do not want to be in a place where competition can exist for the core relationship in your life - it creates dramatic dynamics that are unnecessary and unhealthy for the primary relationship. avoid people with no boundaries, or who seem to want an equal status in relationship. equal love, yes. equal status/intensity of relationship, no.
Competition sucks. But equal love, status and intensity can be worked toward, if everyone has their big girl panties on.

4) don't spend too much time with a secondary (we were spending weeks at a time together). maybe don't even have sleepovers.

Who is to say what is "too much" time? That is a completely personal decision. As long as the primary feels respected and nurtured, one could see another lover/lovers 6 days a week! And no sleepovers? God, I love a sleepover with Ginger. I am tired of a "wham bam thank you ma'am, back to my own life" kinda thang. Of course, miss pixi and I dont live together, and usually Ginger and Gentleman spend their overnights at my own place, but once Ginger, pixi and I all had a date together and he slept with me at her place, on the sofa bed. I had asked her in advance if this was OK with her, of course.

Do what's necessary to separate the intensity of relationships, especially in the face of nre for at least 18 months. most relationships will not last this long even though they feel like they will at first. if and when they do, they are still secondary relationships, but because they are solid, should be taken more seriously and invested in by all parties more. until 18 months, assume most people are a little crazy, and be careful about who you allow into your love-biosphere.
This all seems a bit harshly stated, but yes, it is important to control NRE and not do anything crazy, move the new person in, neglect your primary's needs for sex and romance, etc. BTW, some people have NRE for 3 months, some for 18. No one should move in with a new partner on the 2nd date (not even you, U-Haul Lesbians!).

5) keep things fair. don't go on fancy fabulous nights out with your lover and then just hang out with your primary and do laundry. don't compare your partners ....

6) be responsible to your partner. communicate. Be good to them.
Of course.

7) if it's too much work too early with a secondary/tertiary, walk away. you don't need to be doing primary relationship style communication with a secondary partner, certainly not in the beginning if ever.
Totally disagree. Good communication is good communication. Doesn't matter with whom.

8) even though you're controlling the speed (go slow) of the relationship, the time spent (quantified and controlled) together, you don't need to control feelings. because there are boundaries elsewhere, it will be easier for you to experience compersion for your partner (than when it's jammed up in your face for days on end).


9) in their (my sis & her partner's) poly life, they do not see any of their partners (they have more than one other lover/houseboy/etc) more than three times a month. dates, sex, no overnights. all protected, all the time (gloves, condoms, dams, etc) they have ultimate veto power. most of their lovers are in other cities.
Well, this makes things complicated. Personally I'd question your sis and BIL's decision to have more than a couple non-primary lovers each at a time. I was going crazy when I had one gf and 3 bfs. That was one too many, for me. And I much prefer non LDR relationships. I'd wonder if these people all over the country are really partners, in a full sense, or just play time fun buddies?

10) slow it down. if it becomes uncomfortable, take a break.

11) it took a long time to find your primary partner. assume it's going to take an appropriate investment of time/energy to find an equally awesome secondary partner. real relationships that will serve you for a long time don't occur during nre, they happen after nre. getting through that time period of 18 months is a minimum before assuming you should get serious.
Like others have said, what constitutes "serious" for your sis and BIL, if they hold people so at bay? Serious,, to me would indicate co-primary, moving in, something like that.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Kahlo (poly-curious, M, 45) my bf since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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