Thread: I'm delusional!
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Old 02-25-2012, 02:36 PM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 451

Originally Posted by crushed View Post
my jealousy reared it's ugly head when I found out my bf had been lying and was cheating on me with another woman. This woman and I knew nothing of each other. I also, selfishly I know, wanted my bf to be monogamous, as he held the same belief as me (or so he said) - that we only have sex with someone we love.
It might help to distinguish two reactions here: 1) your quite understandable outrage that bf was involved with someone else without telling you about it (assuming you had some prior, poly-ish understanding with him that you would be entirely honest with one another); and 2) your desire for exclusive fidelity from your boyfriend (though not, I guess, from your husband?)

In other words, is the problem that bf was involved with someone else at all (2) or that he didn't think to tell you he was involved with someone else (1)?

It seems to me you have to address yourself to point 1, first, just to determine whether your relationship with bf is viable at all. If you can't be honest with one another, you don't have a lot to go on, and having him live with (or closer to) you and your husband will not help.

You also have to think carefully about point 2, and especially think about what's fair. It is unreasonable on its face to expect a guy to be exclusively faithful to you when you see him every 10 weeks (!!), when you yourself are involved with two people (bf and husband), and your husband has been involved with someone else.

I mean, really! Why should you have all the benefits of a poly or open relationship, while he has none?

So, why do you want him to be with you and your husband, really? Is it so you can be all things to him, so he need not stray from exclusive fidelity to you? Is it so you can exercise 24-hour surveillance and control on him, so he cannot stray without you knowing about it?

In what way would this not be lighting the fuse on a powder-keg?

And why would this arrangement appeal either to bf or to your husband? Why would your bf upend his life in order to hand himself over to your control?

In what way would this be an expression of your love for him, unless by "love" you mean the desire to possess and control?
the cake is a lie
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