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Old 02-25-2012, 01:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,937

Originally Posted by rory View Post
I myself don't do hierarchical relationships, whether romantic or not, (e.g. my husband is no more important to me than my friend just because he is my husband)...
We've talked about that here a lot. Quite often, the consensus is, a secondary does not have to be second in love or caring, they are just the person you do not share a house with, or finances, or much in the way of childcare, insurance, etc.

I was just thinking about the statement "hierarchy is not a problem in itself, if it is not abused". And I am not sure I would agree with that.

For example, the Bible says that man is to be the head of household/ his wife. It also says that man is to act responsibly in this role. Now, some think that there is nothing problematic in this for the woman. That it is how it should be. That because the man is to act responsibly in the position of authority, the inequality is not problematic. I think that the inequality is inherently problematic, regardless of the behaviour of the man. It is not relevant to me here, whether the man abuses the hierarchical structure; the hierarchy is the problem.
Well, its funny. I've talked to a lot of fundamentalist women on a religion board I used to frequent, and even though they gave lip service to "my husband is head of the household," when questioned closely about decision making in reality, their relationships seemed about as egalitarian as any more liberal couple's might be. It seemed only in the case of "6 of one, half dozen of the other" decisions, they'd let the husband have final say and responsibility. Just a way modern Christian couples try to fit today's reality into a template of 2000+ yrs ago, when women were barely considered human, and certainly considered lesser in status and brain capacity.

So, that got me thinking.. is there some fundamental difference with this kind of hierarchical structure and a hierarchically structured poly relationship, which would justify the hierarchy?

I am not trying to argue a point (at least not yet, as I am unsure myself about the issue). I would welcome thoughts.
Well, in my current situation, I've definitely got a hierarchy going on... I've been with miss pixi 3 years and we spend 4 days a week together most weeks. Both my other lovers are fairly new. The Gentleman, I've been seeing for about 4 months. If pressed, I'd call him my tertiary. I'm fond of him, but not "in love" because of his self esteem issues, mostly. He's entertaining, he's fun, he's sexual, he's generous, but he doesnt seem like a real love match, too many issues with his own self love for me to fully love him.

Now, the Ginger, I've known him 2 months. He and I are a 99% match on okcupid. I'm really smitten with him, he is seeming perfect for me in so many ways. But I see us as secondaries to each other, since my first priority is miss pixi, and Ginger is in a successful 25 year marriage himself, with a house and college aged kids. We generally only spend one full day a week together. So, I am in NRE, I feel there is long term potential there, I might end up falling more and more deeply in love, and he with me, but it's new and we are still feeling each other out. So, secondary, for now, and maybe forever.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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