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Old 02-25-2012, 09:37 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,885

Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
nycindie: ...they have agreed on shit, and chosen peeps who are cool with that. jes' getting clear: does that mean that you think that their secondaries don't matter or don't love themselves in some way?
What I shared was all very subjective from my point of view, imagining myself in the position of someone entering into a relationship as a secondary with a person who has those agreements/boundaries with their primary. Without a doubt, I am sure there are people with good self-esteem who love themselves and would be happy in that situation. I don't understand how or why, but I am only speaking for myself. I'm more of a go-with-the-flow old hippie chick.

It would not work for me, and would erode my esteem, I think, if I tried to fit myself into such a structure. Not just because I balk at any kind of box I'm expected to fit into, but because I would feel a lack of spontaneity and organic-ness to the relationship. That is just my sense of how it would be FOR ME, knowing my nature and how I am in relationships. Yes, I am fine with some boundaries, but they need to make sense to me and serve me as well as they would the partner who expects me to adhere to them.

And see, the thing about a couple having boundaries for their relationship is this: that's what works for them. I will have my own personal boundaries, too. And theoretically any relationship I have will need to be aligned within any boundaries that work for us. But why should the boundaries a partner of mine has with someone else be applied to me in my relationship to that same person? Different relationship! If their boundaries affect me in a way that doesn't clash with my own, nor with allowing my relationship to develop and grow organically, fine. But when one of my lover's boundaries with someone else has the effect of putting that someone else, with whom I am not involved, in control of my relationship, that just will not do.

I love people very easily, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I want to make the people I am with feel good and free and happy, and I allow myself to be vulnerable in relationships. I take people at their word and believe in the good in them. For that I need to feel safe, and that I can be myself and express my love without someone else's limits imposed on me. I absolutely cannot feel safe if a partner's SO has veto power - that is a deal-breaker for me. If someone's rules seem too strict, I feel like I'm not trusted, and therefore how can I trust? Sure, I can be with men who keep some distance between me and their hearts, and it is always a tough lesson for me. Since my separation and embracing poly, I've had my heart broken. But I could not have all those pre-fabricated expectations or boundaries laid out for me beforehand.

Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
you seem to really have found what works for you, and makes you happy, and have some pretty developed/firm opinions too - looked for your blog, but didn't see one, and my interest is peaked! Do you participate in having a primary partner? If so, how long have you two been together/were together, and what rules do the two of you share?
Oh, I'm an old lady, and had lots of relationships, and lots of therapy, in my lifetime. I've only embraced poly since the fall of 2010, after I cried my eyes out for four months straight when my marriage ended. I have had many blunders, a painful breakup, and much stress, and you can read my tales of woe in the Blogs forum - it's called "Indie... Solo... Poly..."

I also discuss my views on practicing poly as a solo, independent person in this thread: Solo poly people - what's your ideal?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 05:12 AM.
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