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Old 02-25-2012, 09:08 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
9) in their (my sis & her partner's) poly life, they do not see any of their partners (they have more than one other lover/houseboy/etc) more than three times a month. dates, sex, no overnights. all protected, all the time (gloves, condoms, dams, etc) they have ultimate veto power. most of their lovers are in other cities.
I just wanted to add: if that is your ideal BP, you should make it clear right from the start. Otherwise those rules will never work. Your gf was obviously aiming for more involvement than you could have been comfortable giving her, if this set was similar to the one you have had in the back of your mind. You may want to evaluate again why your triad went south. I have had some light bulb moments while reading that list and comparing it to what you described in your blog.

I have a hard time calling that poly, as mine is so different, but we live on variety here. All those rules/understandings/boundaries only work, if you make this point clear right from the start. The people getting involved in this kind of dynamic, shouldn't involve their feelings, at least that's how it appears to me. They are more in the friends with benefit realm, being distant and not involved with the couple mainly in everyday life.

Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
11) it took a long time to find your primary partner. assume it's going to take an appropriate investment of time/energy to find an equally awesome secondary partner. real relationships that will serve you for a long time don't occur during nre, they happen after nre. getting through that time period of 18 months is a minimum before assuming you should get serious.
Any secondary partner surviving those 18 months, being cut out of the life of his partner to such extend and still pursuing greater involvement has my utmost respect. And I would really be interested what 'getting serious' means for your sister and her partner? Moving up a bit on the involvement level? More time? More say in the matters that are important to the primary partner? Wouldn't this automatically threaten the primary relationship?

Yes, I don't have a first hand understanding what it feels like to be in this kind of dynamic myself, but what went through my mind when thinking about this list was:

Of course my old relationship (at the point of getting involved with a new one) matters and all should be on the same page regarding the importance of it, but I didn't find one spot in these 'understandings' (as you want to call them TGIG) that stated any empathy towards the new relationship that develops there. And that sounded really unhealthy to me from the point of view of the new person entering the dynamic.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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