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Old 02-25-2012, 05:42 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,546

Originally Posted by sealace View Post
Guy 2 I've been seeing since July. He has a live-in girlfriend. We go out to concerts, movies, dinner, bars, etc, and then have a hot physical connection as well. Up until now I have been fine with the casual level of things, but then, I wonder, is it a little strange? He sleeps over, leaves first thing in the morning and then I don't hear from him for a week or more?

I guess the bottom line with this post, is that I think I'm ok with casual secondary things, but somehow it feels a bit cold and distant to have not much communication in between dates. Am I going out with the wrong people? Or is this totally common? I hear about secondary situations where people consider each other "boyfriends" and "girlfriends", but with these two guys above I feel more like a "secret".
Well, are you a secret? Or does it just feel like that due to the parameters of your relationship just not being what you're used to?

Honestly, it doesn't sound like a strange situation to me. It seems you do go out and do more together than just getting nekkid and fucking. But the silence in between dates bothers you. If so, what stops you from texting him a cheery hello a few days after seeing him, or giving him a call just to talk? Is there an agreement you have not to be in touch?

Perhaps it isn't quantity of time that bothers you, but the quality of time you spend together. If I were you, I would ask yourself what more you wanted from it - more heartfelt conversations? Connecting with other people in his life, and sharing the people in your life with him? Some sort of declaration of feelings? Some people need a lot of time to get close to someone who they deem as non-primary.

Once you've put the finger on what's bothering you, you may want to examine whether you are wondering how comfortable you are with it because of the expectations you've been taught to have surrounding relationships -- or if there really is something unsatisfying in your interactions with him. If you get really clear on what's going on in your heart and mind, then I think you'll know whether or not you want to initiate some changes to the dynamic you have.

PS - I also really like what Anneintherain had to say.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 05:02 AM.
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