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Old 02-24-2012, 06:46 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default he wants us to meet

Pretty close assessment except I was and never have been jealous of her.
And I'm not sure she ever had much NRE for me..but we have been friends.

I think once it went past "light and fun" (which was pretty quickly), she came along because she didnt want to lose him.

And it was him who lost his job and moved away not her (to take new job), she is still in the family home. She wants to quit her job and move to where he is now (and sell or rent their home)

Its pretty clear she is accomodating to the point where she'll compromise in order to keep her relationship with him. Me backing off 6 or 8 months I dont think will ever change that. She is accepting and accomodating. But she has resentments to work through. The question is how do we move forward with respect, peace, calm and how do I ensure I feel equal.

He wants us all to meet in non drama way just to feel new chemistry (how does it feel, how do we act, whats the air in the room)....

what do you think now?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
OK, W2BE, I think I am finally getting a clear picture of the situation.

5 years ago, the wife agreed to let her h get together with you to "spice up the marriage." Things were a spicy triad for a while, NRE, 3 way sex, etc. They lived together, you lived miles away. You only met them in person from time to time, skyped in between.

All well and good. Then, NRE (her for you) faded, and the NRE between you and her man developed into love. This made the wife very nervous. She didn't really want true polyamory, just a unicorn who would be at their beck and call, sexually, and keep her damn mouth shut.

You put up with keeping your mouth shut for a time, but once you and the husband felt you loved each other, you started wanting more. OTOH, she wanted you around less, because of being afraid her h would choose you.

So, you are mono, she is mono, the h just wants two wives and is stuck in the middle with his lovers both resenting and being jealous of each other.

Meanwhile, the h and wife both lost jobs. She moved away from him, partly because she was angry with him for loving you, partly to find work. He is still in the original family home.

Now she wants to move back in with him, job or not. You're tired of this LDR and also want to move to be near him...

Gosh, despite the "unbearable" pain, if I were you, I'd step back and let this husband and wife sort out their shit. I'd give them a good six to eight months. Maybe chat from time to time, but take care of myself, develop hobbies, redecorate my apartment, take a long trip with a platonic friend, anything to distract myself from this troubled couple.

As I stated earlier, their original agreement was to have a mythical unicorn, with no needs of her own, just an infinite willingness to eat the crumbs off their marital table. Now that you are speaking up, you're not quite so much fun anymore.

Read this thread about secondaries' rights, click on the link in the OP

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20315

Read every thread on this board tagged secondary.
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