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Old 02-24-2012, 02:36 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby. Sorry to hear that the marriage is ending.

I think you should show this discussion thread to hubby so he knows what you've been going through. And stop feeling guilty! The issue is not that you aren't "cool enough" with poly that your marriage is ending. The issue is that your husband was not willing to slow down and go at "the pace of the one who is struggling the most." I'm not talking about his six years of asking for poly. I mean that when he chose to go ahead and have girlfriends, he didn't need to jump right into sexual relationships with them. He could have slowed down and stayed within boundaries that made it more comfortable for you, and renegotiated those boundaries a little at a time, over time. He got fed up and only wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it.

In fact, I don't even think poly is the issue. He works many hours a week and wants an escape valve by having sex with someone new, but is clearly not committed to giving you the attention you deserve, especially when baby was on the way. And now he's a dad and is more focused on the girlfriend than his wife and child! My guess is that you've overlooked many times when he really hasn't been there for you in the way you needed him to be, for a long time. He thought poly would solve his inability to devote the proper energy to you and your marriage, and now he's pointing the finger of blame at you. You are under no obligation to acquiesce to having a poly arrangement if that is not what you want. Your needs, wants, and desires are valid, just as much as his are.

Now you're a mom. You need to devote your energies to taking care of yourself and your baby. Don't worry about sex right now. If you are going to follow through with divorce, make sure you get child support.

If I were you, I'd change the locks and kick his sorry ass out.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 02-24-2012 at 09:55 PM.
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