Arrow, I have read a lot about Mormonism and I know what a tight community it is. Now that you've left the church, have you been shunned by family and former friends?
You and your wife have been deeply programmed. Now you've broken away. I guess you won't meet many pagans in your area (Utah?) but there must be some around if you look online. Read websites and books about paganism and polyamory.
I can do nothing but recommend you go to therapy yourself ( a non-Mormon one of course!) and keep strengthening your resolve to find your self, follow your truth and your own bliss, with your wife, or not.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw
me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37