Originally Posted by Quath
Do you ever try to talk to Him and work it out with Him? (That almost sounds religious.
) It is hard letting go of feelings that don't quite want to leave. I hope that if you keep re-examining your life and morals, you will be able to align your feelings to your beliefs.
I have, but I think I did it too soon. I was so caught up in "doing it right" right from the beginning that I don't think I was really truly ready to be as magnanimous and forgiving as I was acting. I balled up as much of that anger as I could and buried it; civilized people don't get angry! Hah, right. And, honestly, I think it was too soon for Him too. So I think that while I meant everything that I said, there was so much unprocessed anger that it wasn't the right time to say it. Does that make sense? And that's been a big challenge for me, I can't figure out what to do with all the anger. I'm tired of fixing doors that I've punched through. Everything that I can think of that "makes sense" seems likely to put me either in jail, the hospital, or the ground...
It really frightened me that my anger towards Him was actually increasing, until it reached something of a breaking point last week. Since then we've had some pretty big shifts and events, and I think that's reversed for me, at least a little. When I think about Him now the first feeling is not the white-hot hatred it has been lately. I'm still angry, but it's tempered by other things again. There's sadness and disappointment of course; he was supposed to be my best friend too. So, I also miss Him. So yeah, I think that's a good shift. I hope it's a real sea-change, and we're not just at low tide...
I'm still not sure exactly what has changed, but for whatever ever reason, a lot of that anger has been bled off.
Which brings me to you, all of you that have contributed to this thread. Thanks again for your thoughts and compassion. I feel like this conversation has done more for me than the 6 months of counseling JustMe and I attended. Our poor counselor! She was a wonderful, caring, genuine woman, but I just don't think she was equipped for this sort of thing...