A little bit of background would probably serve well. My partner is a male to female transsexual (not necessarily relevant here but just part of what makes us us) so I've supported her through a lot. We had both agreed we were poly before she ever started her transition or even told me she was transsexual. We have only had one outside relationship, shared, that went badly quickly and she had one outside fling that was bad from the start. She started hormones about a year ago and there is a roughly 3 year (to my understanding) transition period that can sometimes send transsexuals back into a near adolescent mind set so I'm sure that has affected our current situation.
Just over a month ago we had some friends move into our house. They were severely down on their luck living in a different state, lost a job and were unable to find a new one. We had an extra room we weren't using and the need of daytime child care so they moved in with us bringing their two children along. My partner and I had joked before they moved in how awesome it would be if we ended up all in a poly relationship. They knew we were poly before they moved in but she had told me that they were both jealous people and they really didn't think they'd ever go poly because of it. This was the last poly was discussed with me
by either them or my partner.
I work from home during the day and am upstairs away from the group most of the day. My partner and B (the male half of their marriage) work evenings though B just got his job a week ago. So S (my partner), L, and B are all together during the day all day. Granted they are caring for 5 children 4 of whom are under the age of 3 but they have the hours of roughly 9am to 5pm together. I finish work at 5pm and head downstairs. My 2 younger children mob me immediately and typically L is making dinner during this period for about an hour. Soon after Dinner L usually has to take her 2 children to bed and it takes a while to get them to sleep. Often by the time L's children are asleep I am putting my children to sleep so we really do not have much interaction time. B is sometimes in the room with L on his days off and sometimes not, but often if he is not he spends his time on his PC during this evening period.
This has all contributed to S getting to know L and B a lot better than I have (we only knew each other online through Facebook and a forum before) and the three of them have apparently developed more feelings for each other. S came to me yesterday and expressed that B had discussed with her the fact that L and B were now in a position where they felt they could see themselves being poly with S and I and wanted to give it a shot. I told S that I needed some time to process this information and all 3 of them left grocery shopping (S and B both had the evening off). The evening progressed roughly as normal with me coming down from work to dinner preparation and being mobbed by my two young children. I focused on them, we had a bit of an argument over something dumb between S and I because we both had migraines and did not fee well, and I had to take my children to bed. No further discussion was made about B and L's poly proposal. I went downstairs after getting my children to bed and was there for roughly an hour and a half with us all sitting in our own spaces watching a movie, no tension or anything. I went to bed about midnight.
My youngest son woke up at 5am and I had to take him down to the main areas of the house to handle him since he is sick. I went down to find S sitting on the couch and B sleeping on the couch, which was no big deal I figured that B had passed out watching the movie they were watching. I was a bit upset that S was up so late but we have a bit of an agreement that if her late nights don't bother me directly (her complaining about being tired, sleeping in, etc) I allow most of them without complaint.
Anyway, after B left the couch and went to bed S informed me that the 3 of them "fooled around" (I later found out that it was for 2 hours with random breaks between as L had to get up to handle her own children's night complaints). I am hurt, S did not take the time to seriously discuss the situation with me. I am told that the 3 of them all
somehow feel like I am an equal part in this relationship, though I only heard it from S and L and B have never said one word to me about it. S, L, and B have been "joking" for weeks now about orgies and what not but I honestly
believed it was just joking based on previous conversations I had had. I feel totally blind sighted by the whole situation, S feels terrible
for her part in it all and not taking the time to be sure I understood what was going on.
They went so far as to do oral last night and while I don't have a problem with this in theory and I know that L and B are "clean" I feel like I've been put in a really
rough position. I don't feel I have that relationship with either L or B. According to S they sort of come as a package deal because of their jealousy issues, okay cool. The issue I have is that I was not consulted in any of this, assumptions were made by all
parties that I was involved and okay with everything. And yet somehow things happened while I was in bed, not a part of it, no sign of anything to come while I was awake downstairs with them earlier in the evening. S keeps telling me that all 3 of them feel that I'm an equal part of all of this, yet I don't feel a part of it at all.
I do not
have an issue with S, L, and B having a sexual relationship. I wish it could have gone more slowly because now I feel like since they've already had oral that like, there isn't any slow to have since oral really is S's "all the way" until she has her gender reassignment surgery. There's nothing left to take slowly. I also feel like if I ask that things back off that I'm putting them in a position of feeling like L and B did something wrong, which they did not. I feel like I'm "along for the ride" in L and B's mind because of the way their own couple dynamic works. As in, since they have attraction to and a relationship with S the assumption is that I am a part of that. I am not okay with that in any way, I feel if
a relationship develops with L and B and I than it should be on its own terms, alongside S's relationship sure, but not a "tag along".
I just don't know where to go from here. How do I ask that my own hesitations be addressed without causing household issues? How do I ask that L, S, and B take things slowly to prevent causing household issues? And how do I manage to express to L and B that I simply do not feel we have had the chance to develop a relationship of our own?
Sorry this is so long, I'm sort of rambling and sort of still processing, and very very lost.