thanks MeeraReed. again you have given me a lot to think about, and i really appreciate your forthrightness and thoughtfulness. it is so helpful to get feedback from someone with an objective perspective. i continue to struggle with what my relationship with alex is really about, and why i continue to stay.
there are so many practical reasons to stay: the house, the financial entwinement, our connections to each other's families, our mutual community. i know those are not entire justifications for staying, but they are things that come to mind when i think about the loss of our marriage. we did get married, too, (in the way that gay people can) in the sense that we exchanged vows and made a commitment in front of our loved ones to uphold those vows. not that those are a complete reason to stay either. alex is someone i can count on, someone who knows me completely, someone who shares my values about the kind of life i want to live. when i think about leaving, those are the things i worry about losing and never finding again. strangely though, i don't worry about being alone or single, i know i can take care of myself and i know that i am capable of connecting with many types of people in different ways.
i am always daydreaming lately about having the freedom to spend time with K in the way i want to, in a relaxed, "free time" and "play time" kind of way, where she can leisurely show me how to work with oil paints, we can go on motorcycle rides, make meals together, etc. without this pressure of alex making demands on my time. now that alex is home, i feel claustrophobic again. all she wants is just to be with me, spend time with me and reconnect in a very sweet way, but i feel like i can't breathe. i know something is wrong with this whole situation, but i still am terrified to do anything about it. i am terrified of hurting her, knowing how devastated she will be. i also don't know how much longer i can go on like this. i have felt paralyzed by the situation for so long.
Gay 30-something female that just ended a committed relationship with a mono partner, Alex, and in the midst of NRE with a new lover, K.