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Old 02-21-2012, 08:22 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,973

Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
You can`t 'design' that. The only thing all this designing leads to, is it taking longer to realize someone is NOT a good match for you. Much time is wasted, under false pretenses.
After that post there's really not much I can add to it.

I've seen several of these threads around for a while, extolling the sins of hierarchical relationships and the word "secondary" as if slapping a different bandaid word on the problem would heal the wounds beneath.
Personally I don't buy it.

For myself, I don't really see the problem with either hierarchies, or primary/secondary labels in and of themselves. They allow for some people to communicate their intentions, capacity, or expectations to another partner, and if everyone is on the same page and consenting of that arrangement then there's really nothing anyone outside that arrangement should have to say about it.

But the words used don't automatically mean that the secondary partner is going to be treated as disposable or inhuman, as many of these threads have implied. It also doesn't mean that secondary partners aren't going to feel hurt and put off when the other partner is prioritizes the primary first. ...I don't think anyone likes being second, so how many who have been in that position, have truly managed their own expectations about how much their "secondary" will be there for them when the chips are down?

And for those who look at non-hierarchical models as the greener pastures to which it is all daffodils and soft puppy's, try to keep in mind that just because someone doesn't have any "primary's" or loves all their lovers equally, doesn't mean they can't still use, abuse, or otherwise treat you like shit from time to time.

Life is what happens when you're making other plans.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

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