Originally Posted by nycindie
Basically I see anyone I am with as lovers, so I've adopted a term after SourGirl suggested it to me: lover-friends. I really like that.
These type of topics always make me feel like people are creating some parallel-universe to monogamy. It`s like the same thought-processes, and fears get carried over.
For instance, take marriage and some of the thoughts that go with it. There was long a theory that you shouldn`t live together before marriage,...he won`t 'respect you'.
Or, you should wait for sex,..... after all, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, right ?
There were all these fears centered around the idea of 'making' someone respect you. That if hoops were jumped, you would live happily ever after.
I see the same type of fear-mongering in these threads.
- Don`t let him call you this, or let her call you that.
- Don`t arrange your relationships this or that way,....etc, etc...because then you won`t be respected.
Why buy the poly relationship for the long-term, when you can get the short-term for free, right ?
Really,..respect, and feeling comfortable in a relationship comes from being with good people. People with integrity to be honest about who they are, and what they really want. If they are unsure of what they want, then they are honest about that.
You can`t 'design' that. The only thing all this designing leads to, is it taking longer to realize someone is NOT a good match for you. Much time is wasted, under false pretenses.
I have witnessed many secondary relationships that have a ton more respect and value then some primary ones. We all have witnessed that,..which is why divorce or break-ups happen on all levels, in all areas.
The more people start designing how poly people 'should' act, the more you will have the wrong kind of people learning the lingo, and learning to be what is expected, for all the wrong reasons.
' Oh SURE I like walks on the beach. Oh yes I LOVE chick-flicks. Yes I agree, you`ll never be a secondary to my wife and 3 other girlfriends of 5 years...oh yes I promise,...Now let me show you some primary lovin'....'
So, I guess I would urge people to forget looking for words and pre-designed scenarios that make them feel better about their fears in the short-term, and just take a chance on letting people show their true colours from the get-go.
Odds are the type of people with some integrity, are NOT going to jump through hoops to prove themselves worthy. They are going to expect to be given a fair shake, and treated better then a dog performing tricks for approval.