Really confused right now
As I previously stated in the blogs section, I am having trouble with this. To further explain everything I guess I have to start from the beginning. My husband and I known each other for 12 years, we have been in a relationship for 6 years, and married for 5. When we were about 2 years into our marriage, my husband admitted that he was in love with another woman. He asked if we could start a relationship with her, and I said I had to think about it. After a great deal of time over thinking and considering all of the possibilities, I had to decline. I couldn't handle the situation at all, partly was because I was 6-7 months pregnant with our 2 child.
The topic wasn't brought up again until it was about 2 years later. He and I had discussed having an open marriage, and I was willing to try it. We did set up rules and what not. The rules being there could be only couples allowed (so no one felt forgotten or left out), anything would be possible when both parties were present, but if 1/2 of the couple were there ( the first couple being A and B, the second couple being C and D), for instance if B was with C, then absolutely no penetration was allowed, only oral sex, cuddling/fondling, and kissing could be done. (Sorry if this confuses anyone)
We then discussed the idea with a couple who were friends of ours. We tried something once, not actual penetration but just orally, I was ok. I did freak out because of the fact of what we did about a week and 1/2 later. But I thought about it some more and felt that we could continue. We then discussed the idea with another couple, Jim and Liz.
During the whole process I was too timid to do anything without drinking, to calm my nerves.
But after liquid courage was given, I was good to go. We tried quite a bit that night, and I thought it was really hot. Until we fell asleep. Granted this was about 5 orgasms later for me. But I woke up to the sound of my husband and Liz having sex, and I freaked out. I guess I figured that they wouldn't do anything while their spouses were asleep. I was wrong.
After that I was insanely jealous. I had trouble having sex with anyone, including my husband, and I would freak out mentally and physically. Everything came to a head when I realized that my husband was in love with Liz. How I realized this was one day we were hanging out, I saw that my husband was looking at Liz the same way he used to look at me. I knew that look, hell I loved being the recipient of that look. I called him on it, and at the time he denied it. He hadn't realized that he loved her yet.
During this whole ordeal my husband and I were having trouble, financially, etc. When he finally admitted to falling in love with her, that was the final straw for my psyche. I guess I should explain a little bit here, I have severe depression and anxiety. I became a little suicidal actually. After all was said and done, my husband wanted a divorce. Because he just couldn't deal with me anymore. As well as saying that he was no longer in love with me. I was heartbroken. He was too. But I ended up making his life hell because I put all of the blame on him. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted him to hurt like I did.
From then we emotionally seperated, but still lived together. We had 2 small children and not enough money to do anything else.
2 months later, he admitted that he was still in love with me. But he insisted that we divorce, so that he wouldn't be restrained because of how he felt. At first I agreed to it. I was so desperate to be with him that I would have done just about anything to do so. Several weeks later, I realized that after the divorce was finalized and everything, what if he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore? The thought of that possibility was worse then death for me.
So I told him that I could no longer live under those circumstances. He said he understood.
About 4 months later, I needed sex. So I decided that I would have no emotional attachment to anyone. I did insist upon being tested for both parties, myself included. And I found that it was easy, to have just sex with guys. But inside I felt so empty.
I continued that way for about 3 months, and then when I was having sex with this one guy, I fell for him. He gave me affection, and that did me in. My husband and I were finally getting along better, while still living with one another. However, I dreaded the day when he wouldn't be there anymore.
1 month later, my husband said he wanted to get back together. I was ecstatic about that, but I was still in a relationship with my then boyfriend. I discussed the idea of being with both of them, my husband was ok (being that he understood where I was coming from) but my boyfriend wasn't.
So I was forced to choose between them. I ended up choosing my husband, because I asked myself the question "who was the person that I couldn't live without?".
My husband and I have been working on our relationship since May of 2011. We did agree that after a period of time we would again open our marriage after 2011 was over.
Since this new year has started, my husband has been bringing up the topic more and more. Then he told me that one of his co-workers was interested in having sex with him. That idea put me over the edge literally. I ended up trying to kill myself. 3 weeks ago I was in the hospital for treatment. Last week, which was the first week for me being discharged from the hospital, he brought the topic up again. I told him that this would have to be put on hold, because of new medications and needing group therapy, etc. But he is still bringing it up. I know how important it is for him and myself. Right now, just the though of him being alone with anyone makes me sick to my stomach and extremely jealous.
Sorry for this turning into a novel, but I had to explain everything to the best of my ability. I need advice here. Please.
Niah/me: 26 Bi female, married to Kail: 26 Bi male, Thing 1: our oldest child, Thing 2: the trouble maker, Thing 3: the baby/bun in the oven
"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others can not keep it from themselves"