OK, W2BE, I think I am finally getting a clear picture of the situation.
5 years ago, the wife agreed to let her h get together with you to "spice up the marriage." Things were a spicy triad for a while, NRE, 3 way sex, etc. They lived together, you lived miles away. You only met them in person from time to time, skyped in between.
All well and good. Then, NRE (her for you) faded, and the NRE between you and her man developed into love. This made the wife very nervous. She didn't really want true polyamory, just a unicorn who would be at their beck and call, sexually, and keep her damn mouth shut.
You put up with keeping your mouth shut for a time, but once you and the husband felt you loved each other, you started wanting more. OTOH, she wanted you around less, because of being afraid her h would choose you.
So, you are mono, she is mono, the h just wants two wives and is stuck in the middle with his lovers both resenting and being jealous of each other.
Meanwhile, the h and wife both lost jobs. She moved away from him, partly because she was angry with him for loving you, partly to find work. He is still in the original family home.
Now she wants to move back in with him, job or not. You're tired of this LDR and also want to move to be near him...
Gosh, despite the "unbearable" pain, if I were you, I'd step back and let this husband and wife sort out their shit. I'd give them a good six to eight months. Maybe chat from time to time, but take care of myself, develop hobbies, redecorate my apartment, take a long trip with a platonic friend, anything to distract myself from this troubled couple.
As I stated earlier, their original agreement was to have a mythical unicorn, with no needs of her own, just an infinite willingness to eat the crumbs off their marital table. Now that you are speaking up, you're not quite so much fun anymore.
Read this thread about secondaries' rights, click on the link in the OP
Read every thread on this board tagged secondary.