This situation of yours has a number of red flags for me. Granted, I have just been dumped by someone after three years of being a secondary and I have little to say that would be positive. I will likely never put myself in a position again where my metamour is unexperienced with poly. I will not be someone else's guinea pig again.
Im sorry for your relationship breakup
But it sounds like you made the most healthy choice for yourself!!
I am very torn about this. Mainly because I know how it feels to be inexperienced and learning and it would have felt awful to be rejected based on that alone. But I completely agree. The idea of being someones guinea pig while they navigate this (and possibly fail miserably) is not something Im interested in putting myself through. Fortunately my "friend" is very conscious of this. Which is why we are not proceeding with a relationship until things are more stable and secure and we all agree and are comfortable with the arrangement. Her respect of both me and her other partner and huge things that make me still consider this. We feel very strongly about one another, yet she still is maintaining the need for us to proceed very very slowly. She doesn't want to mess this up with either partner.
Hierarchies suck and if this woman is saying that he comes first, is going to control everything, and that she feels guilty, I hate to be the one to tell you, but it likely won't work out and you will end up in a world of hurt. Sorry, not fun to hear, but its what so many experience and why sugar coat it. Of course it could be fantastic, and then you can make me eat my words... I love when that happens.
I agree about this too! This is not the situation I am comfortable getting into at this point. Im hoping that with some negotiation we will be able to proceed with more healthy boundaries. She is concerned for her partners position, as she is the only one who didnt choose this. Right now everything is negotiating and compromising. She is certainly considering both of our feelings and also the bigger picture in the outcome of this whicvh I appreciate. But at this point her primary partner holds the cards and Id like to gently move away from that. haha
Having said all that, what I would do in your situation (I realize that love conquers all most of the time and that it makes us blind... I am have been blind also), is back right up and take it really slowly. I would let her know that I would be coming to visit her, get to know my metamour, talk with him and seeing how he does with a bit more time and getting to know me. If he decides that he doesn't like me and would rather veto me than see me be in his life as his wifes lover, then I would walk. To me metamour relationships make or break partnerships.
As much as I can see this could be a horrible train wreck, my heart is also completely running in her direction
So I would like to at least attempt to see through some healthy boundaries here. I am sure I would regret it for a very long time if I didnt try.
With that said I completely agree that I should get to know her wife. Fortunately we have met and she has expressed she really does like me. I feel like that is a huge hurdle we have already made it past.
I really believe this was one of the hugest reasons my last relationship ended, so I am VERY wary of this. My ex and partner really struggled in their relationship. He completely disliked her as a person, and she was constantly overstepping the boundaries we had set up, and could not relate to him or communicate effectively. (recently Ive learned the term cowboy/cowgirl.... makes perfect sense!) This spoke volumes to me about the importance of the metamour relationship. I think this is my dealbreaker. So thank you for bringing this up! If her partner doesnt want to work towards a comfortable relationship with me, I will have to walk
If I can't be an equal in her eyes and his after that, then I just wouldn't do it. I'm not saying spending the same amount of time, buying houses together, having kids together etc. which is what I see a primary partner as, I'm taking consideration and caring in the relationship. I would need respect in terms of negotiating boundaries and communicating needs. If I am not treated like I am just as valuable as he is, in my own unique way, then I would be walking. I am worth more than that. They would need to be autonomous from one another and be see each other as separate people, rather than a couple where one person has a girlfriend. Its just too depleting to my feelings of self worth and value and I just wouldn't do it.
During this time while we are slowly working on things, her main goals have been to have a more comfortable autonomy in their relationship. So something she has been considering and really working on. I think that this was the concept in my head the other night that I just couldnt formulate into words. I do believe in equality with partners when it comes to respect and value. I think alot of how you phrased it will be key when I speak to her next.
There are many threads on here on secondary issues. I suggest you do a tag search for "secondaries" "secondary" "secondary rights" and read up on "vetos" "veto" "ultimatums" "ultimatum" or anything else that looks like it might help. The more you educate yourself about what could happen the better prepared you will be. You could also read my blog from mid Jan 2012 on and see what I have been through. Also several of the other blogs that are in the lifestyle and blogs section.... really, just stay here and read everything.... this is far too big and popular topic to focus on one particular thread
vetoing is also something I will walk over. If that is even on the table I cannot be a part of this
There was a point where my husband and I considered this to be reasonable. But once living in the poly lifestyle I realized that I value my relationships enough that I would never consider letting someone else make my choice about continuing my relationship.
Thank you so much for the feedback! and Id love to prove you wrong