Originally Posted by theque
Also contributing to that resistance is the idea that if I do embrace this life, that JustMe will "win" through her deceit, ultimately being rewarded for all the hurt she caused. I know that's juvenile and simplistic, but it is yet another roadblock for me.
This really stood out for me. I don't feel qualified to hand out advice...but I do think you might want to ask yourself, do you want to hurt her? Are you trying to punish her? If so, what would that achieve for you? I think you should try to figure out what direction you want your relationship to take.
I just read a wonderful part of a book on polyamory that really resonated for me: it's not productive to tell yourself that you shouldn't have certain feelings, because you obviously do. Perhaps you need those feelings acknowledged before you can move on. Also, maybe reading a book on polyamory can help you identify how you feel about it--I know I've certainly had quite a few "a-ha" moments in the last hundred pages.