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Old 02-19-2012, 10:33 PM
BlackRoseImmortal BlackRoseImmortal is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
Question Negotiationg boundaries from a "secondary" position?

Hi everyone!
I am hoping to seek some input about my position and rights as a secondary. I am fairly new to poly, this is potentially only my second relationship.

I have a long-term relationship, and was the V between him and another partner. So I have some understanding of that role and negotiating between the two of them. I am currently only with my long-term partner, but am slowly starting negotiations with another partner that I am very interested in. My partner supports this new potential relationship and has given me the go ahead to expole the possibility and decide for myself.

The potential partner identifies as poly, but is new to it. Her primary identifies as strongly mono. So they are working on accepting this and what it means for them. I feel that in my own relationship we still have a ton to learn but have fortunately made it to a more comfortable place of acceptance and happiness with this lifestyle. I can understand her position, with alot of pressure in all directions.

We had a long talk last night and I feel very confused. She needs to respect her primary relationship. Her partner is not poly and they are already treading on thin ice with just accepting this lifestyle change and figuring out what is comfortable for them. She is struggling with feelings of guilt, the need to appease her primary partner, and with identifying as poly and wanting to pursue this lifestyle. I have been there so I completely understand. My main concern is having so much emphasis being put on the needs of her primary relationship, that mine may be overlooked.

I am willing to wait patiently and be only a friend and support to her. I don't want to jump into a relationship until things are more stable and healthier boundaries are negotiated.

My struggle is that Ive never been in a secondary position. I feel that my feelings are valid and Im scared they arent being taken into consideration at this point. I also fear the potential for our relationship to be vetoed if her primary partner becomes frustrated. She asked me last night what my expectations are and the conversation was already very emotionally charged and I just couldn't negotiate at the time. When I go back to discuss this with her I want to have a clearer idea of what healthy boundaries I can have. Ideally I would want us to be free to spend the time together and navigate our relationship without the control of her other partner.

My concerns are that her other partner is a bit controlling of the situation. Coming from a mono person I understand the panic and need for control. But this will need to be healthy for me too, or I will not get involved any further.

She lives out of my town and commutes in to spend time with me. Her partner allows this about once per week. She works until 8pm and then commutes into town, and has to leave rather quickly as she has a curfew of midnight. She is never allowed sleepovers, she is not allowed texting while she is at home (our primary way of communicating) because her partner needs her full focus. So she can only text me on breaks at work. As of this point we are not allowed any physical contact other then a bit of cuddling up when we watch movies.

I certainly need more then what is currently comfortable with her other partner. Im wondering if there is ways I can respect her partners needs for security and comfort, without allowing her to control our relationship....
Can anyone please chime in with thoughts and ideas that I can work with to develop some boundaries that would be healthy for everyone involved please
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