- He must make all the first moves
- He must commit to me early on
- I would even say, he had better commit to me (I hear my aunt saying this)
- He better not look at other women
- It is his job to meet my needs
- He must desire me physically and sexually, love me with integrity, sacrifice for me, etc.
So you are saying these are things that you feel have been stressed to you by your family/upbringing? That monogamy means that a man bends over backward for the woman he intends to marry? Wow.
My idea of monogamy is very different. I think my upbringing never really touched on what relationships were, healthy or otherwise. I could get into it more in depth, but it would take a while to explain the conflicting values my family exhibited. So I will just say that I sort of had to make up my own concept of what monogamy means....a concept which is, at this time, being totally disassembled (having been introduced to poly over a year ago). I had these very sort of stringent assumptions and expectations about monogamy but I never really examined them in depth until recently.
I think what monogamy is to me is the expectation that your partner is the only person who holds The Special Place. The term Significant Other illustrates that. My children, my mom, my friends, etc are all significant. But no one gets that title except my monogamous partner, right? This partner has certain responsibilities and rights within the relationship: exclusive sexuality, emotional intimacy, life-sharing, and I believe most are responsible for giving their partner support (emotional, physical....and day to day things like fetching medicine when the partner is sick or sharing finances). They are also the person you check in with on a daily basis about pretty much everything.
What I am seeing in some poly relationship descriptions are these exact same things. But I think it is called Polyfidelity - which is confusing to me....I thought a major point of poly was to give your partner(s) the freedom to explore any/all relationships? But some people have these 'closed' poly groups.....which I don't understand. Is it possible some poly's are monogamous poly's? (Or am I opening a GIGANTIC can of worms on that?)
I am going to read the rest of the replies to this post and may post more.......