My Big Fat Poly Mistakes
1. I did not spend much time or effort in getting to know my Beta's wife. Our feelings for each other (my Beta and I) and NRE escalated, and that was precisely when we should have been spending more time with my husband and his wife. But we instead spent every available moment together, just the two of us. I started to feel entitled to my own private relationship with him. I believe, as his Beta, I needed to earn that private relationship by communicating more clearly with his wife.
2. I agreed to secret trysts and stolen moments that we didn't confess to our SOs.
3. I did not hold true to my own expectation of communication from my Beta. The lack of it was hurtful at times, and often gave me mixed messages. I struggled and tried to adapt instead of taking care of myself emotionally and expressing what I found unacceptable.
4. I used my husband as my primary sounding board when I was struggling and feeling bad about things. I should have used other friends and outlets.
5. My husband and I invited my Beta to move in with us when his wife decided she wanted a full-time relationship with her lover of five years.
6. My feelings for my Beta really grew when he was living with us, and I could feel that relationship becoming more important to me. The difference between Husband-Primary and Boyfriend-Beta was shrinking. My husband felt and saw it too, but he and I did not talk about it.
7. I broke all but one of the very few rules my husband and I have. I did not ask permission before breaking them, and he did not hold me accountable. We didn't discuss it.
8. When my Beta's wife wanted him back two weeks later, and he began seeing her and sleeping with her again, I told him he couldn't stay with us if his intent was to put his marriage back together. That if that was his intention, he needed to move back home and do it, with our support. I did not hold firm on this boundary for the next four months.
9. When my Beta's wife told him she didn't want to know when he and I made plans or did things together, he lied to her about how he was spending that time. I didn't call him on that or tell him it was unacceptable.
10. I neglected my husband and our relationship while diving into sharing our home with my lover. I let our nuances and daily routines fade away.
11. I did not make an effort or spend much time getting to know my husband's new partner.
It's been six weeks since my Beta moved out. He is working on repairing his marriage, as he describes it, and that, of course, means he and I are over. His wife was never really okay for the year he and I were together, and at least she is telling him that now. My husband and I are repairing, too, and that is a good part of the journey. He is a kind, compassionate partner who allows me to make mistakes. We think we are really good at communication, but we've shown ourselves how easy it was to avoid the very important and difficult topics in this situation.
I know this may not have turned out any other way, but I do accept that I made big mistakes, and they played a part in the loss of this man whom I love, and this relationship that had a very big and positive impact on my life. There is a lot to be learned, and a whole lot of opportunity for growth. My husband and I did some things right even though we weren't at our best. And the three of us did some things right when we were all living together. I will admit, and I am only speaking for myself, that I am really glad to have had that experience of living with both men whom I loved and who loved me back.