Where do I start?
My Name is Carl. I am 28 years old and I live in Arkansas. I am a waiter at a Steakhouse and I produce music, mainly my own. My girlfriend Katie and I have been together just over a year and a half now but dated for at least 6 months before our relationship became ďofficialĒ. I was the one who held off being in a relationship so long, mainly because she was so much younger than me. She is 19 now. With 8 Ĺ years difference I thought I had to be cautious. Now I could not imagine my life without her. Donít get me wrong.. Iím not saying that without her I could not breathe. I am, however, very much in love with Katie. We get along so well it makes some people sick. We rarely fight and when we do itís usually ďthat time of the monthĒ. Our communication skills (with each other) are amazing and it keeps us away from the drama that surrounds most relationships. Please forgive me I am a terrible writer but I have to get this down and get some input. Please bear with me.
A couple months ago Katie sat me down and wanted to read me an article she had found. The article was about Polyamory. She explained to me that she loved me very much and that she did not want to loose me but she agreed with the lifestyle. I didnít even know what to say. I had a ton of questions trying to understand her motive for wanting this. Going thru every positive and negative scenario I could think of and spit out she tried her best to answer my questions. Being able to sleep with someone else? Being able to love someone else? Itís not that these things sound crazy. I had just finally accepted that she was probably going to be the last girl I would ever be intimate with and bam! So we got a book. Opening up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships by Tristan Taormino. It goes thru everything from jealousy, to raising children in an open marriage, to when your primary relationship gets neglected and even explains how important safe sex is. Honestly even having to think about some of these things becoming a problem in our relationship turned me off of the idea a bit. As of now, we donít have to worry about stds or stis, neglecting each other or really even jealousy. Were honest with each other and that takes care of most problems people would have. Well, she was honest with me and this is what she wants.
Iím doing my best to try and deal with the jealousy aspect. I know she will have to do the same. Everyone has insecurities that have built up over the course of their life for one reason or another and in this situation we will both be challenged. A couple of the things I have worried about most are my resources, attractiveness, penis size and intelligence. Hereís a brief description on each.
- Resources are something that attract women. Katie is not a superficial girl by any means. Specific example, last year for Valentines Day I painted our toothbrush holder in her favorite colors and it said, ďI Love YouĒ on it. I did it so every day twice a day she would be reminded that I love her. It may not have been the best gift ever but she loved it the same because she understood my intent and appreciated it genuinely. At the same time I worry that one day she will experience what its like to not have to worry about resources because of another man and that gives him a certain power over her life and especially lifestyle. Most likely the reason I worry about this is because I grew up in South Florida. I loved the weather but the dating scene there is horrendous. One of the first things a girl looked into once you actually started talking was your resources. What kind of car you drove and your annual salary was very important. I know I shouldnít worry about this with Katie because she loves me for the way I love her and not those things. Donít get me wrong, I have a savings and Iím good with money. We go out and I spend money on her on a pretty regular basis. Itís just something from the way I grew up that I will have to deal with. I think that this open relationship will help me with that and she will show me that I have nothing to worry about.
- Sometimes I feel like I am more attracted to her than she is to me. I think we are both attractive people and I remember the way she looked at me when the relationship started. She couldnít keep her hands off me and vice versa. The confusing thing is that Iím still that way with her and her passion has died off a bit, as far as I can tell by the difference in her actions now. Ex: Less flirting, less touching, less sex, less passionate kissing and less attention to my arousal. These things have gotten better since we have opened up our relationship but are not where they used to be.
- So pretty much every guy who has ever seen a porno is insecure about their penis as far as I can tell. A lot of guys I have talked to about our open relationship have asked the question, ďWhat if she meets a guy with a bigger dick?Ē in some fashion or another. So I get it. All guys worry about this. Iíll be frank, Iím average. 6 1/4Ē (length) 5Ē (girth) to be exact, which from my research puts me JUST above averageÖ but thereís no way that quarter to half inch is going to do anything different soÖ Iím average. Couple things that put my mind at ease about this with Katie specifically. One, there are a couple positions where I go to deep as it is and it becomes uncomfortable for her. Two, She seems to be very happy with what I have. I know why Iím worried. When I was 18 this girl who had only been with one guy before me told me I was small. She told her friends and it embarrassed me. Come to find out when I talked to her later in life that first guy she was with was 8 or 9 inches. To me thatís porn material. I have had a conversation with Katie about my thoughts on this and she thinks Iím thinking about something thatís not important and that she wouldnít even want bigger but at one point it statistically will happen and thereís still something about it that makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.
- Intelligence is something that comes in all different forms just like anything else. I am very emotionally intelligent and I see patterns very well. Have good hand eye coordination and am musically inclined. Katie is very book smart, a good writer, retains information like a sponge and learns anything you can teach her quickly. She is smarter than I am on many levels and I love that about her. At the same time I donít know if I challenge her enough mentally. I have been trying to read more lately. I bought Carl Stephens book, ďTame your woman: how to become the man she needsĒ and read it in 5 days. I havenít read a book all the way thru in almost 5 years. Iím trying but Iím also not trying to be something Iím not. Iím trying to realize that someone she is attracted to being intelligent would be the same as a friend she had being intelligent. Itís just threatening to me.
I love Katie and she loves me. To me we have the closest thing to a perfect relationship that I think is even realistic. I see it that way because it is that way. Its like were going to have different problems than other couples anyway because were not on that level. I donít mean to sound conceited in any way but itís almost as if we are above the problems of the average relationship. I remember the bullshit I used to deal with in relationships when I was younger. I watch couples in their 40s and 50s fight about things they should have gotten over before they even decided to get married. Lying to each other. Itís like they have to hide who they really are from their partners and keep how they really feel about real life situations secret because someoneís feelings might get hurt or something they do may make them feel less loved. How is anyone going to love who you really are if you donít show them who you really are? The point is that I feel like Katie and I have broken this barrier and so far it has made us closer. We have conversations about who were attracted to and why. Conversations you just canít have with the average partner because they are not willing to let go of the control they have in their relationship to see who their partner really is. See, thereís no difference between our relationship and any other. All we did was open up communication on a different level of intimacy. Most people just keep this stuff under the rug until something goes wrong with their relationship and then use that as an excuse for why they cheated or were driven away (if you want to take the victims stance).
Katie and I are moving to Colorado in approximately 6 months. She will be done with school and I have a job and interests that are movable. Itís a decision to just go and see how it is. We did research (more like she did) on different places that would fit our current lifestyle and this seems to be a good move for us. The local laws and people seem to be a little more open minded or accepting of difference as far as what we have read. I moved to Arkansas because of a job offer. A job I ended up not getting in the end. My life continued and Iím happier than ever. This life is interesting. With more situations than you think, you can make your own rules.
I had to write this down. I have to reach out. I hope someone will read this and have some experience to share that I can learn from. I am actually hoping to actually TALK to someone and not just write. Please share your thoughts.
Thank you for your time.