NYCindie, I struggle with the definitions of primary and secondary, like logically I can understand the concept, but practically it is difficult for me, love is love in my heart. I can understand BP wanting me to think of her needs first in all situations, maybe thatís where I stumble.
Putting my wants needs and desires and BP wants needs and desires and our GF W,N+D all into play, I gets confused. In BPís mind it is really very so clear it seems, in my mind not so much. I work to let her know my love for her as my wife is unconditional and all accepting and look to take care of her needs first and foremost as much as possible, and then there are my needs as well. Maybe this situation is exposing some co-dependency in our relationship that was running under the surface. Maybe me treating our GF like an equal in terms of intimacy has threatened BP. I just struggle so mightily to control my capacity to love like I want to, like I know I can. I need to find a better way to do this.
I want to treat our GF equally, in turn it has hurt and alienated BP by stomping on boundaries.
Annabell, I did know on some level what we where doing was wrong. I was working at home that day, and had not seen our GF over the xmas break for a couple of weeks. We were snuggling, but there was a sexy vibe for sure, we where in love and horny. She was lounging in bed late, and I came in for lunch and got back into bed, 15 min later BP came home. I guess I just got greedy for that physical connection, thatís my main love language by far. I agree nuances are important, they ultimately define intent in my opinion.
BP has laid it all out in her recent blog post, we are in a tough spot. She has lost huge respect for me, and respect has always been a big beef in our relationship, we are both very alpha. When I feel disrespected we fight, a lot. This has been a very humbling experience, hurting the ones I love the most always has, and I have ended up hurting BP and our GF. Emotionally we are both burned out from a month and a half of intense upset and processing, and with BP exploring ď exit strategies ď Iím feeling pretty grim. There is still love there and the story is not finished, but certainly one of the darker moments in our relationship.