Wants 2 Be Equal in Polyfidel relationship
Hi All. Hope you can help.
My Love of 4 years wants me to move forward with a full-on polyfidelitous relationship with him and his wife. Although she originally initiated the relationship, she is now reticent. She says its because she is stressed out by her job, the town she lives in (they live apart) and a 100 other reasons. She also is having trouble accepting that we (he and I) want my role to be co-primary, not a secondary. She never wanted it to go that far.
She is very bitter towards me and the whole situation. He's made it clear to her he will choose her over me if she doesnt want to try to make it work. She made it clear she is only talking to me now because she wants to avoid him resenting her if I walk.
She's made her decision she cant go forward with the 3 of us without the time to reconnect with him without feeling me around, etc. This includes her moving from where she lives to where he lives, finding a job, reconnecting, etc.(they've lived apart for 18 months)
And I've made my decision I cant go forward in limbo and as/or as a secondary, which seems exactly what I'd be if there is no time limit on the move/reconnection, and since she doesnt want to "feel" me around. This relationship has gone on 5 years and there is always a reason she gives to put this off (because she lost a job, because he lost a job, because they have to save their house, because they have a legal issue to work on, etc).
I did tell my love (her husband) last nite i am ready to pull away if he wants to make his marraige work and respect her wishes. Because even if he views it as a rebuild for the 3 of us, she is still his suffering wife. He seemed to be taking on the view that she is demonizing me and deeply wounded, even "sick".
With her and I in such opposite realms right now, he clearly also has decisions to make. i'm guessing he's going to take on the status as the guy who honors his wife by taking care of her while she is sick. Just a guess. I'll find out soon.
I'm preparing myself for a break up, or at very least, an attempt to ask me to be patient or put me on hold. I'm feeling pretty resolved not to let that happen. I am afraid I might grow to resent him if I agreed to do that, not to mention I'm anxious to move on with a positive life.
Any advice? Am I being selfish by not wanting to be put on hold after literally being on hold for years already?