BP, I just posted this to elemental's thread but I am not sure if you're reading it so I will post it here, too:
There was another triad who posted here a while back, a married couple and a gf, and they also had the same rules about only having sex when all three were together and all communications with the gf (dates being set up, etc.) go through the wife. This was insisted upon by the wife.
It made the gf feel really shitty, like she was only being contacted and used for sex. The gf and husband had become close and wanted more of a relationship. Everything fell apart and the gf was left very skittish about poly because of it, and I believe the unrealistic rules were really the reason why.
Obviously, if three people are in a relationship, they should all have the freedom to talk to each other and not be monitored. When one person has a gf or bf, they share many things in a relationship, like communication, dreams, hopes, non-sexy times as well as sexy times -- it shouldn't be any different when someone is a gf to two people, whether those two people are married or not.
What it boils down to, I think, is respecting everyone as individuals and equals, and not placing the gf at a lower level than the couple nor putting anyone in a special category. Maybe you and [elemental] have different visions of what a girlfriend should be, and how you would like to see the future unfolding for all of you. I think all three of you need to talk about things like this together.
Have you ever examined exactly why you needed the particular boundaries you asked for? I think it would behoove you to really take a close look behind those boundaries at your fears, insecurities, and need for control, and find a way to address them -- because if you are going to really embrace being in a relationship with someone who is also in a relationship with your husband, I think you need to let up a bit on trying to control everything they do. Stop seeing yourselves as a couple plus one.