Originally Posted by elemental
Things where moving along swiftly, gf was staying over and bed sharing for days at a time, BP would get up and go to work leaving us to snuggle in bed until we got up. I think part of that was an extension of that, as well as our strong sexual/sensual connection. Partly willful ignorance that if we were not having penetrative sex or foreplay then it was all right to be in bed together, we both enjoyed denying ourselves, which inevitably lead to a more charged sexual atmosphere that helped alienate BP. Part of me feels like if we would have been allowed to have sex then there would have been less pressure on BP...
One of the early boundary struggles I had was around communication, as BP was handling all of that, I could read up on the emailing and txts but had no independent communication with our gf, and that bothered me. At times I could see the logic in it as they grew their friendship, but as we became more of a triad I began to resent the limited communication I had. I wanted to be able to say “ thinking of you” without it being a boundary issue, but it was. Eventually that boundary was negotiated but not without lots of processing.
I think once the relationship got moving along ( too quickly) I started to resent some of the boundaries and my old patterns of rebelliousness where triggered, as well as our swelling NRE which kicked in the desire for more part of it. All of which attributed to BP’s feelings of being alienated and overwhelmed.
There was another triad who posted here a while back, a married couple and a gf, and they also had the same rules about only having sex when all three were together and all communications with the gf (dates being set up, etc.) go through the wife. This was insisted upon by the wife.
It made the gf feel really shitty, like she was only being contacted and used for sex. The gf and husband had become close and wanted more of a relationship. Everything fell apart and the gf was left very skittish about poly because of it, and I believe the unrealistic rules were really the reason why.
Obviously, if three people are in a relationship, they should all have the freedom to talk to each other and not be monitored. When one person has a gf or bf, they share many things in a relationship, like communication, dreams, hopes, non-sexy times as well as sexy times -- it shouldn't be any different when someone is a gf to two people, whether those two people are married or not.
What it boils down to, I think, is respecting everyone as individuals and equals, and not placing the gf at a lower level than the couple nor putting anyone in a special category. Maybe you and BP have different visions of what a girlfriend should be, and how you would like to see the future unfolding for all of you. I think all three of you need to talk about things like this together.